Notes with the Night Class
by VampireMaddy
Summary: A series of short crack/comic notes from all the members of the night class. Includes Zero, Cross, Yori and all the gang too. Many pairings, some yaoi, some completely non-canon and weird. Rated 'T' for the some sexual references.
1. Paperwork Pervert

A/N: Hello! I've started another story, this time it's a crack fic. It is a side-project, as I will basically update whenever I have ideas pop into my head that I believe are funny or amusing. The chapters will be varied length, but they will all be in note format. I was inspired by some of the Twilight note fanfictions and have decided to transfer it across. For my readers of Prince & The Pauper, don't worry, I am still writing that, (nearly finished!) but this helps to alieviate any of my writers block and make me giggle at the same time :D

My writing style will probably be a... bit different... to that of Prince & The Pauper XD

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_**Background information**_

_Yuuki is awakened, everyone is living in the night class. Zero is still here, and although he hates vampires still, he is accepting of Yuuki. Yuuki/Kaname are paired, Ruka/Kain, and Shiki/Rima with hints of Aidou/Yori and many others._

_Rido kuran is not dead, but he is not posing a direct threat at the moment. If he is introduced, it will probably be in a very comic format. __There will probably be some yaoi pairings during the time. I cannot resist ^^_

_Notes will be in ranging formats, from simple written notes, to letters, to emails, to MSN conversations and diary entries. _

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_The character using which text style is underlined here._

Rima, _Ichijou, _**Shiki - **Setting: Night Class Dormitory.

* * *

Ichijou, why are we writing down on bits of paper? 

_Because we can._

Seriously… why are we?

_Because I want to have a bit of fun in this household. It's been getting too serious lately in this place. From now on, anyone who speaks to each other shall face an "extreme punishment of deathly torture."_

**Ichijou? Rima? What are you both doing? Ichijou, why are you putting your hands over my mouth?**

_Shiki-san! It's so you don't talk! It's a game - please play! Now where was I… _

**Why should I play?**

–_Because otherwise I shall inflict upon you an "extreme punishment of deathly torture and destruction!!!"_

**Like what? **

_Umm, I will tell the day class girls that you secretly Kiryuu Zero and that your secret fetish is that you love nothing better than being photographed whilst you are naked in the shower!! _

… **I'm in. You are cunning Ichijou… very cunning. I see you are an opponent worthy of my skill.**

_Yay!! Let's play the notes game! _

**You **_**are**_** a pervert though.**

_:D_

**Sooo, you admit it then?**

_Shiki-san, you should know by now I'm a pervert. Silly! ^_^_

Wait… what?!

**I guess I know by now. If you call **_**that**_** thing you did perverted. I would say it was more… experimental. I enjoyed it though.**

_^_^ I know, Shiki-san! _

**By the way, stop drawing smileys. Isn't that a little stupid, when I can see your expression as you are writing on the page. I mean, use your brain a little Ichijou. You are going to run the vampire council in the future because Kaname-sama is always too busy with Yuuki-sama these days. **

**I fear for the vampires that have to fill out forms in the future when you run the council… ****FEAR****. **

^_^

…I'm still waiting to find out what perverted actions you two did together.

**Umm...**

_Umm, gotta go! Forms to be filling out! _

**Yeah, me too. Bye! **

Wait, I pro -

**Bye!**

Bastards.

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What did you think? I uploaded chapter two directly after this, so you can get a proper idea of what the styles like.

If it's funny or it amused you, I'd love it if you could tell me. If I get reviews and realise people find the same stuff funny as me, I can probably update this every other day, it doesn't take too long to do ^^

Please review :)

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**Random fact of the day:**

The average person has to play ping-pong for one hour to loose a pound in weight.


	2. Chantilly Lace

A/N: Still with me? Hopefully that means you enjoyed the last chapter...? *crosses fingers*

This one was inspired by my brother, who I caught secretly downloading this song onto his iPod. It just doesn't seem to fit in with his usual collection of Eminem and Muse etc.

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_Yuuki, **Ruka,**_ Aidou Setting: Night Class Domitory.

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_-_

_He is just SO gorgeous!_

_**I know right? I saw him the other day, and I was actually like… woaha, he is mighty FYNNEE. I never noticed before how divinely sensual his hair is, or the tenderness of those beautiful lips. **_

_Yeah so true! I mean… I was trying to find the words to describe him but it's impossible to sum up that vision of godly manliness into one sentence. _

_There's just something about the Chantilly lace and his pretty face and his ponytail hanging down… the wiggle in his walk and the giggle in his talk which makes my world go round! It makes me act so funny, makes me spend my money, mak– _

–_**That's a song.**_

_Oh._

_**Chantilly Lace, it's a fifties song. Wait… he doesn't wear Chantilly lace anyway does he?**_

_He does!_

_**When? How have I missed this incredibly sexy moment?**_

_Umm… his underwear is made from Chantilly lace. I accidentally saw him getting dressed last week when I was playing hide and seek with Ichijou. _

"_**Accidentally". Riiiiightt… That's a bit perverted. Even for you, Yuuki-sama.**_

_What do you mean, "Even for me"?! _

_**Do I really have to mention the 'Shower Curtain' incident again? **_

_Oh._

_**Yeeahh. My point exactly. **_

_He is so hot though. _

_**Agreed. **_

What are you two ladies doing?

_Aidou! _

_**We're discussing gorgeous men.**_

It's rude to talk about me behind my back!

_Eh?_

_**Haha, keep dreaming Aidou, as if we would talk about you. We all know what a fraud you are now! Everyone now knows that you use face masks to keep that skin silky smooth and you apply Bobbi Brown mascara every morning to make those eyes... sparkle. **_

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

_**Kain did.**_

What! Why would Kain reveal my deepest darkest secrets to you?

Wait a minute… what did you do to him?

_**I said that if he didn't tell me how you achieved such a beautiful summers glow that I would never, ever, ever sleep with him again.**_

…

_Poor Kain..._

Agreed.

_You really shouldn't scare him like that Ruka-chan. It's not healthy. He could have died._

_**Well, he promised he would worship me as a queen for the rest of eternity. I am merely keeping him on his toes and not allowing him to forget his place in this relationship. I wear the trousers!!!  
Well actually, I never wear trousers. But if I diid…**_

_I still think that was very mean. _

So… who were you both discussing?

_**Yagari Toga.**_

Ew.

.

_Dreamy… Yagari Toga… Lace… _

_**He is so scrummy. I would give him one any day.**_

You two have the weirdest taste ever. You both already have lovers, and Yuuki's even got a fiancée! Poor Kain and Kaname, what if they were to discover your infatuations?

_Meh, I'd leave Kaname for Yagari._

**_WHAT? _**

WHAT?

_I dig mentally scarred and emotionally abused men. Haven't you noticed that yet? Yagari fits the bill of a lonely wandering vampire hunter, cut off from his family, sees his faithful student wrenched away into the cruel world of the level E vampires..._

**It's true. You do seem to have a kind of fetish for that stuff. There's no other explanation for your affection for Kiryuu Zero.**

Hold on, forget Yuuki-sama for a moment. I just realised what you were both saying earlier… so Yagari Toga wears Chantilly lace underwear?!

_Yay, Aido knows his theme tune too! "Chantilly lace, and a pretty face, a ponytail, hanging down. A wiggle in his walk and a giggle in his talk makes the world go round. It makes me act so fu–"_

_**Now look what you've done! You've set her off again, and she'll be at it for hours. The worst part is, if we tell her to stop she might cry and then Kaname-sama will murder us for upsetting her. **_

"_Chantilly, lace and a pretty face… giggle in his walk…"_

…

"_Makes the world go… me act so funny… feel real loose like a long necked…"_

…

To be honest, I'd rather take death than listen to that any longer.

_**Ditto. **_

**_-_**

**_-_**

**_-_**

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A/N: Was that amusing? I sometimes wonder if other people get my weird, weird, humour :D  
I really love writing Aidou and Ruka as characters. By the way, Ruka has got used to vampire Yuuki, and now likes to exchange gossip with her.

Please review :)

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**Random fact of the day:**

_Cockroaches can live for 9 days after their head has been cut off._

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	3. KONKS

A/N: Yay, thank you for my fantastic reviews! They made me very happy and therefore I couldn't wait to update this chapter! ^_^  
Yagari is my new obsession.

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Thank you to my lovely reviewers: Juurisama, LikeHellIAmAwesome, VampireKnightLover, A and N, 0simplyemma0, Emy Berry, KAtiE-lUvs-mcr and ToyaxZero!

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_Yuuki - _**Kaname - **Kain - Aidou - NC Dormitory.

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_Onii-sama! I'm really bored._

**I know my darling, I'm sorry. Unfortunately I have to finish this load of paperwork Ichijou-kun suddenly sprung upon me. I really don't have time to be playing the note game you are all addicted to, but it's better than you ignoring me.**

_Teehee. It was funny when I ignored you._

**Hilarious.**

_I thought you were going to cry ^^_

**You seem very sadistic today Yuuki. I am really sorry, but you'll just have to find something to do to amuse yourself with. **

_I can think of some things to amuse ourselves with…_

**- Except that.**

_Aww! Spoil sport. _

…

…

_Kaname-sama?_

**Yes, Yuuki?**

_Maybe… Kaname?_

**Yes, Yuuki?**

_What about - Onii-sama…?_

**Yes… Yuuki…?**

_Perhaps, Kaname-sempai?_

**What?! **

_Nothing. I was just making a list of my various names for you and deciding which one you answered best to._

**Why, may I ask?**

_Weeeellll I remembered the other day you told me you disliked me calling you Kaname-sempai, and now I am not sure which one to use at all. _

**Well, why don't you just chose one apart from Kaname-sempai and preferably use that then, my darling?**

_I was thinking of doing that. But then I also thought… Why not combine them?!_

**Combine them?**

_Like… Kaname-sama–-Nii-sama–Kuran–Sempai?_

**Perhaps it is not the most simplest of expressions of endearment, Yuuki. Unless you haven't noticed, for the past seventeen years I've used merely five letters to communicate with you and I've never had any trouble. Yet.**

_I wasn't finished!!! You are so mean, Kaname-sama–Nii-sama–Kuran–Sempai!!! _

…_As I was saying, I combine all of those names, simplify them, and just call you: K-O-N-K-S !_

**You want to call me… Konks…?**

_**K**__aname (__**O**__r) __**N**__ii-sama, __**K**__uran, __**S**__empai - KONKS. _

…**I think I preferred Kaname-sempai.**

_Really, you prefer Kaname-sempai? Oh, ok, I'll just call you that then! _

_Weeeelll I'm going to go now. I'm going Yagari hunting with Ruka-chan. Isn't it nice I'm finally making friends?_

_Bye Kaname-sempai! _

…

…

**Damn. **

**-**

Hi, Kaname-sama. Is Yuuki-sama also on the Yagari hunt?

**Hello Kain-kun. The Yagari **_**what**_**?**

The Yagari hunt. Ruka and Yuuki-sama have both developed an unhealthy addiction to Yagari-sensei. I believe they are composing a poem to send him at the moment.

**The vampire women in this household have gone slightly insane. Perhaps I will have to speak to the chairman about it. It could be a side effect to the blood tablets…**

Nope… they're just drunk on Yagari love. It's sickening. But I cannot make any complaints, otherwise Ruka will make my life a living hell. It's not just me who can set fire to things when necessary.

**I've often remarked how much you remind me of a puppy Kain. **

That is a little… random?

**Not really. You obediently obey Ruka and are always loyal to your companions. Yes, man's best friend – or in this case, Aidou. What a wonderful puppy you would make. **

A puppy, Kaname-sama?

**Yes. I think you are a Giant Schnauzer. **

Alright, alright stop calling me that! A Giant Schnauzer? That's so mean! I am not a puppy! You're just a big… You're just well…. KONKS!

...

**Kain, never **_**ever**_** call me that again if you wish to see nightlight again. **

Sorry, Kaname-sama. I don't know what came over me.

**You're a bad boy. No walks for you today. **

No fair!

**Bad dog! Sit! **

Yes!

**Goooooddd boy. Would you like a blood tablet?**

I'm not a dog Kaname-sama. You are being ridiculous.

**You just sat for me. I think you are a good boy. Does the good doggy want a blood tablet or not?**

BLOODTABLETS!! BLOODTABLETS!

**Pretty doggy. Well done. Maybe you can become a present for Yuuki.**

BLOODTABBLEEETTTTTSSSS I REALLY WANT A BLOOD TABLETTTTTTTTT!!!

– Wait… why the hell am I doing this?

**Pureblood power. I presume the original ancestor kept several dogs. **

I'm a dog?! You are so mean, Kaname-sama–Nii-sama–Kuran–Sempai!!!

**Kain, you are not my brother or sister. I am not your "Nii-sama"**

Well… Don't dogs count as part of the family?

WHO MENTIONED BLOOD TABLETS?!!

NOOO AIDOU THEY'RE MINE!

**Aidou, Kain, there are enough blood tablets for you both. Only if you both lie down and play dead for an hour.**

_OKAY!!!_

BLOODTABLETS!

**Good boys. Now stay. _I can finally get some work done._**

…

…

…

He's not coming back is he.

BLOOODDDD TAAABLLEETTTSSSSSSS!!

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Umm… no real explanation for this one... I was just thinking about the vast list of names Yuuki creates for Kaname and came up with KONKS in my head. It sounds funny. Reminds me of a combination of knockers and honks; which both sound rude XD  
The puppy thing came from nowhere ^o) I was toying with the fact nobles have to be obedient to purebloods, and Kain being forced into doing things, like acting like a dog ^_^

Please review! :)

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**Random fact of the day**

_No word in the english language rhymes with purple, silver month, or orange._

Go, on try to find a word that rhymes. XD

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	4. Gangster Rhymes

A/N: Thank you so much to: **tsukikolulu, ToyaxZero, kAtiE-lUvs-mcr, JuuriSama, LikeHellIAmAwesome, a and n, meow114, alyzzahp, VampireKnightLover & Aikalin !!  
****  
**It makes me feel so unbelievably happy when you say you actually laugh out loud at what I've written! :D

This chapter was inspired by gizoogle .com and my random fact of the day about rhyming.  
I'm almost too embarrased to put this chapter out....

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_Yuuki - _Zero - **Kaname -** Zero's bedroom.

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_Aiiiiighhhhtttttt_

Hello Yuuki.

_Nah, blad, No 'Hello' today, you got to be chatting in my vibe._

Why are you talking in gangster speak? And my name isn't "blad".

_Because I went on 'gizoogle .com' and I thought it was funny. Now play along or else I'll persuade the chairman to cook you his Sunday lunch again… homie?_

Shit.

_You dig me now _dizzle?

I… I dig you sista. Let's be getting down with this twizzle.

_Safe tings! You sure knows how to be straight on my turf._

Innit though, I like to shizzle to your nizzle to my safe tings dizzle on the tizzle.

_That doesn't even make sense._

Well u just ain't down with the crew. Wanna come be one of my bitches?

_Damn straight! I iz your bitch now. Word up!_

Safe ho.

**Yuuki, there you are. Where did you go? I thought you were with Ichijou. **

_Alrrigggghhhht Kaname!_

**Hello my love. **

_You is one fine boii, Kaname! I would give you one anyway day. You is FIT.  
__I can't be dealing with no shizzle from Ichijou-kun today. He's been getting on my back tryin' to chat shit about my bruva from another mother._

**Yuuki, you don't have a 'brother from another mother'. I should know. **

_Yeah I do. Zero's my brother, innit Zero?I can't believe I got to be transizlatin' this shit to you Kaname. I thought you was my man and understood ma vibe. _

Damn straight! Wait, I thought you was my bitch Yuuki? You belong to ma hood now.

**Kiryu-kun, that is a very sexist way to talk about Yuuki. I have a good mind to punish you for it.**

Wait a minute homie… Is you trying to give me beef?

**Beef? No, I am not trying to give you 'beef'. **

You trying to chat shit with me?! You pussyo, Ima gonna cut you up! I'm gonna bust yo ass!

**Kiryuu, don't even think about it.**

I don't take no shit from no one! Yo' white ass will be _mine_!

**Will you two stop this ridiculous charade?**

_Only if you rap for us._

**And then you will stop? Agreed?**

_Yes onii-sama ^_^_

**Zero?**

Aight. If you can beat me in a rap battle I won't pop a cap in your ass.

**How generous of you. **

I hereby challenge you to a rap battle. Winner gets Yuuki.

_Hey!_

**You're really that confident? Fine, you start then.**

Okay… well, umm… This is a little awkward…

_Aww, Zero's blushing!_

Shut up hoe! I ain't… *cough* here goes…

"Well I been living down low for a while in this school,

The teachers are wack and the night class is bull.

I been hating on those vampires for a well long time,

They act so friggin stupid it makes me wanna rhyme.

As for you, Kaname; the leader of da clan,

You may have Yuuki but I'm the bigger man.

I got the fittest body and I got the largest package,

So just sit your ass back while I beat you in this rappage."

-

_OOWWWNNEEDD! Wait, that means I have to go with Zero now? _

**That was rather impressive, Kiryuu-kun, but I shall still win.**

**Hehem…. Kiryuu…**

**All you do all day is complain and moan in your rhymes,**

**So shut the hell up 'n' quit bitching cos Yuuki's now mine. **

**You keep on talking about da package you got to show,**

**But I bet you never found no women to let you have a go.**

_**I'm**_** the one who gets all the fan girls moaning and screaming, **

**You may talk of this fit bod but I think you must be dreaming. **

**I ain't dealing with you no more so don't try pullin' that trigger,**

**Or I'll show you what happens when you mess with a pureblooded nigga'. **

**-**

_Oh my days! Kaname wins! Kaname wins! I didn't know you knew those kinds of words Kaname…_

**Ichiou likes to play Snoop Dogg and Tupac when he thinks no one is listening. **

_Random. What do you think then Zero? Kaname was immense! _

Alright, I gotta admit Kuran, your rhymes are _tight_ for a honk.

**Will you both please stop this charade now?**

_Yes sir._

Yes sir!

**Shall we go back to our chamber, Yuuki?**

_Yes! I want some ice-cream! Yay!_

…

…

Brap…?

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A/N: Hehe, that was possibly one of the weirdest things I've written. What do you think of my awesome rapping skills?  
Kaname rapping about Zero not getting fan girls was meant to make fun of the fact Kaname is the top voted character. I'm not trying to say Zero sucks ^_^ Cos he doesn't!  
The mention of the 'N' word wasn't meant to offend anyone and I really hope it didn't. Is it alright to keep that in the T category? I wasn't sure… :S

Please review :)

**Random fact of the day:**

_There are 10 human body parts that are only 3 letters long (e.g arm)_

See if you can guess the other nine! I'll reply to your review to tell you the answer ^^

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	5. Regrettable News

A/N: Oh my lord! I was completely flabbergasted by the amazing lovely reviews I got! *glomps* :D  
They were so amazing! It inspired me to update super fast. ^_^

Thank you **so** much to my reviewers: FireNutZuko, ToyaxZero, shadowcat238, JuuriSama, meow114, alyzzahp, VampireKnightLover, LikeHellIAmAwesome, kittypride, mitsuki-angel, KAtIe-lUvs-mcr and Tainy^^ (ILY!)

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The answer to my last question was: **eye, hip, arm, leg, ear, toe, jaw, rib, lip, gum** :D But I also accepted 'Abs'  
Well done to ToyaxZero and FireNutZuko who got them all right first time!  
_(p.s Toya, I am beta-ing your chapter now, promise ;;D *write write*)_

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_Yuuki - _**Zero** = Zero's bedroom

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**To:**  
**From:**

**Subject:** Regrettable News

**[reply] [delete] [forward] [save]**

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_Dear Kaname-sama–Nii-sama–Kuran–Sempai,_

I regret to inform you I am leaving you for Yagari-sensei.  
The passion we share is inescapable, and we have an eternal bond. You and I  
have had a good relationship, but it does not compare to the throws of Yagari.  
I must instantly tend to his bloody rose.

I am keeping the rose you gave me, all my clothes, the bath,  
and I am also keeping our dogs, Kain and Aidou.

I would also like a lump sum of £3447549826998498491 yen,  
so I can buy a homing missile to direct at Ruka's bedroom.

If you have any issues with this out of court settlement,  
please direct all queries to my divorce lawyer: Kiryuu Zero.

Unlucky.  
_Yuuki Kuran._

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**To:**  
**From:**

**Subject:** Re: Regrettable News

**[reply] [delete] [forward] [save]**

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_Dear Yuuki-chan,_

Kaname-sama forwarded me your e-mail.  
He told me to tell that he's ready to go the soiree when you've finished playing the Yagari Game.  
I regret to inform you that Yagari Toga already belongs to me.

I'm sorry, but if you refuse to accept this relationship...  
you shall force me to ask Kain to write you a jolly stiff memo.

Yours,  
_Ruka Soen._

_p.s Kain is my dog._

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**To:**  
**From:**

**Subject:** Re: Re: Regrettable News

**[reply] [delete] [forward] [save]**

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_Dear Ruka-chan,_

_A JOLLY STIFF MEMO FROM KAIN?  
_  
That is a little harsh don't you think? The last vampire who recieved one of those  
was never seen again!

You have literally just waged war upon me now,and I shall be forced to show you  
who is boss in the Yagari Lover War Game. If I have to use my pureblood powers on you, I shall.  
_(Once Nii-sama gets around to teaching me)_

Actually, on second thoughts....Nii-sama will probably not want to teach me after  
the whole _'I'm divorcing you forever~!!'_ e-mail thing, but I will use a _very hard_ stick instead.  
You have been warned.

Speak soon,  
_Yuuki Kuran._

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**To:**  
**From:**

**Subject:** Re: Re: Re Regrettable News

**[reply] [delete] [forward] [save]**

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_Dear Yuuki-chan & Ruka-chan,_

I received forwarded e-mails from both of you.  
I regret to inform you both that Yagari Toga is mine, and has been for the past ten years.  
We both share a passion for snowboarding, foreign films and cooking.

SO LEAVE HIM ALONE OR ELSE!

Lovely to chat to you both. Hope you had a good day~!

Lots of hugs and kisses,  
_Kaien Cross_

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**To:**  
**From:**

**Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Regrettable News

**[reply] [delete] [forward] [save]**

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_Dear Yuuki Kuran, Ruka Soen, and **Baka!** (aka Kaien Cross),_

I regret to inform you I do not belong to any of you.  
My love is strictly reserved for Kiryuu Zero.

Please stop messaging me or else I shall be forced to file charges for sexual harassment.

Goodbye,  
_Yagari Toga._

_p.s, Kaien, I collected your sailor moon pyjamas from the dry cleaners._

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_..._

_Zero?_

**Yes Yuuki?**

_How do I know if I'm jewish?_

**_Are_ you jewish?**

_No._

**There you go sport. **

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**

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**

A/N: Not as random as my last chapter, admittedly, but I wasn't as happy with it... *sigh*  
By the way, Ruka and Yuuki talking about leaving their spouses for Yagari isn't serious. They are just pretending, and Kaname + Kain both realise full well they're being silly.  
I love Kaname + Kain too much to make them sad XD

The jewish conversation is from a popular television comedy show. I didn't make it up, sadly :) See if you know which one... its one of my favourite scenes. *ROTFL*

Please review :)

**-**

**Random fact of the day:**

_The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet (9 m)._

I really want to see a pureblood try that one out... :D

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	6. Press Any Key Now

A/N: Sorry, this is very short, but I did warn you they would be of varying length ;D  
This came as a result of sitting on the phone with Virgin Broadband for an hour. Damn them and their slowness...

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Thanks to my lovely reviewers: **Meow114, VampireKnightLover, Alyzzahp, JuuriSama, Hamertime3432(lovethename), LikeHellIAmAwesome, A and N, Clydie, ToyaxZero, KAtIe-lUvs-mcr, mitsuki-angel and Tainy^^**  
Your comments are wonderful and absolutely hilarious 33

By the way, Mitsuki-angel says we can call her to test out the blood pressure from the heart thing as she's a nursing student. How fun is that? Let's do it!

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**Zero **_Yuuki _

_-_

_-_

**Hi, Yuuki, why are you having a staring contest with your computer screen?**

_Hello Zero. I'm waiting._

**Waiting for what?**

_For someone to arrive._

_**Who?**_

_Well, I was on my computer, you see..._

**Yes...?**

_Well, I was writing an e-mail to send to everyone, and suddenly my computer froze out of nowhere and a message came up saying 'Press Any Key Now.' _

_But I can't find the 'Any Key' button anywhere!!! So I pressed the 'help' button._

_But no-one from IT has come to help yet, and I've been waiting for ten minutes._

_..._

_..._

**I don't think anyone's coming Yuuki...**

_Oh. _

**I don't think IT answer 'help' button pushes.**

_Oh... never mind then._

**I think a computer perhaps wasn't the best present in the world from Kaname. I should probably warn him for the future. **

_Yeah... Next time I'll just ask him to __make__ IT answer. He's good with that kind of manipulation stuff on people. _

**Funnily enough I was already aware of this.**

_Really? I didn't know __at all __until recently._

**I know… *sigh* **

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**-**

* * *

A/N: Seeing as that was a bit short, I'll update within 12 hours if I can get some reviews off people ^_^

**-**

**Random fact of the day:**

_There are more telephones than people in Washington D.C._

I don't know if I believe that! It sounds pretty incredible! :]

-


	7. Akatsuki Baby

A/N: see, I promised I'd update within 12 hours if you reviewed right? I'm so swamped with work! *sigh*  
What with essay writing, beta-ing, drama practices, and writing my other FF chapters, and birthdays, I'm practically dead from work ^_^

* * *

Thank you to my fantastic reviewers: **VampireKnightLover, A and N, Alyzzahp, JuuriSama, ToyaxZero, Meow114  
**ILY so much. You all reguarly review my chapters, makes me so happy to have such lovely people behind me! XD

* * *

MSN Conversations - Various Locations.

_Kaname = PurebloodPrince_

_Yuuki = SnowPrincess_

_Kain = TooHotForU_

_Aido = Ice Ice Baby_

_Ruka = BarbieGirl09_

_Zero = VampiresSuck_

_Shiki = PockyBoy28_

_Rima = PockyGirl82_

_Ichijou = ShoujoLover!_

* * *

-

_PurebloodPrince has logged on_

_SnowPrincess has logged on_

_-_

**PurebloodPrince**: Good evening Yuuki.

**SnowPrincess:** Hello Nii-sama! How are you today?

**PurebloodPrince**: Fine, thank you. I see you managed to get your computer working eventually.

**SnowPrincess**: Yeeaahhh, Kain-kun made the computer man set it up for me. He threatened PC World with a jolly stiff memo. They came around instantly.

**PurebloodPrince:** Lovely.

-  
_IceIceBaby has logged on  
-_

**IceIceBaby:** Kaname-sama, Yuuki-sama! You are both online in the same room at the same time! HOW LOVELY!

**SnowPrincess:** Hi Aido-kun! Did you manage to find Kain in the end?

**IceIceBaby: ***sigh* No… he's hiding after Ruka told him what I wanted to do.

**PurebloodPrince**: Which is?

**IceIceBaby:** Ummm…. Umm…

**SnowPrincess: **He wanted to take pictures of Kain and send them to Zero for Valentine's day!

**IceIceBaby**: Yuuki-sama! That's mean, telling Kaname-sama–Nii-sama–Kuran–Sempai!!

**PurebloodPrince: **How many times do I have to tell you and Kain, I am NOT your Nii-sama!

**SnowPrincess**: Nii-sama you don't seem very kind today. If Aido and Kain want you to be their Nii-sama then why can't they be? That means I get to be their Imouto-chan!

**PurebloodPrince**: But the whole thing is ridiculous.

**IceIceBaby:** Punish him, Imouto-chan!

**PurebloodPrince: **You are extremely lucky that we are chatting through the computer, Aido. If we weren't I cannot say if you would still be retaining you limbs at this current moment in time.

**SnowPrincess:** Sssh, Nii-sama! Or else I won't play twister with you today.

**IceIceBaby:** Twister…?

**SnowPrincess**: Haha! Twister! Yes, me and Nii-sama like to play twister everyday. It keeps us amused for hours.

**IceIceBaby: **Is _that _what you play all the time in your room?

**SnowPrincess: **Yup**!**

**IceIceBaby: **Can I play then? I love twister!!

**PurebloodPrince: **No. You cannot.

**IceIceBaby: **Whyyyyyy not?

**SnowPrincess: **Well you see, Onii-san, it's actually a very noisy game… and it really only requires two people to participate.

**IceIceBaby:** That explains a lot Imouto-chan…

**PurebloodPrince:** In fact, I'm going to play it right now; I'll meet you there, Yuuki.

**SnowPrincess: **Okay!

**PurebloodPrince**: Aido, if I catch you calling me Nii-sama again I shall be forced to ban you from the computer for an entire week.

_PurebloodPrince has logged off_

**SnowPrincess:** Yayayayay! I get to play twister with Nii-sama, and it's not even bedtime! Byeee Onii-san! Speak to you soon!

-  
_SnowPrincess has logged off_

_  
_**IceIceBaby: **Damn. Why did they have to go? I wanna joiiinnnn... *whines*

-  
_TooHotForU has logged on  
-_

**TooHotForU****: **Hi Hanabusa.

**IceIceBaby: **K-Kain! What are you doing?

**TooHotFor****U: **I've logged onto the computer, what does it look like?

**IceIceBaby: **But, you're not in your room! Because I'm in here!

**TooHotForU: **I know.

-  
_VampiresSuck has logged on.  
__-_

**IceIceBaby: **Then… where are you?

**TooHotForU: **Oh, somewhere else.

**IceIceBaby: **Where?!

**VampiresSuck: **He's in _my _room.

**IceIceBaby: **WHAT?

**VampiresSuck: **We're plotting how to destroy you next, Aido.

**IceIceBaby: **Kiryuu Zero and Akatsuki? BUT YOU HATE EACH OTHER.

**TooHotForU: **Hated, my dear Hanabusa, hated.

**VampiresSuck: **We have decided that if we work together we can most effectively destroy you, and destroy your private collection of useless items. Akatsuki-baby is my new found companion.

**IceIceBaby: **You're even calling him Akatsuki-baby! That's _my_ name, _I _invented to call him _myself_ in _private_!

**TooHotForU: **I allowed Zero-kun to use it, seeing as he's my new best friend, replacing you, Hanabusa.

**VampiresSuck: **Run, vampire, run. The clock's ticking. We're going to get you.

**IceIceBaby: **NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

-  
_IceIceBaby has logged off and __has also spontaneously combusted.  
-_

**VampiresSuck: **Right, can you piss off now you gay vampire?

**TooHotForU: **Alright, dickwad. I think we convinced him, no need to be so queer with calling me companion.

**VampiresSuck: **I thought it was amusing.

**TooHotForU: **I hate you.

**VampiresSuck: **Don't get your knickers in a twist, Akatsuki-_baby_

**TooHotForU: **Wanker.

-  
_TooHotForU has logged off_

_VampiresSuck has logged off  
-_

_-_

_-_

* * *

A/N: Random, eh? I plan to introduce more of the other characters in the next MSN conversations. Would you like to see more? ;;D

Please review~! XD

-

**Random fact of the day:**

_Cats sleep 16 to 18 hours per day._

My two cats can vouch for this statistic. Im amazed by how little they move...

-


	8. PMS

A/N: Sorry for the delay, I've been so hectic this week with exams!  
Anyway, here we go with the new chapter: PMS! ^_^

Thanks to my fantastically wonderful reviewers! XD *clings*

**EDIT - Sorry, I accidentally uploaded a Prince & The Pauper chapter - I have corrected it now. Thankyou very much to Kita for spotting!! (L)**

* * *

_Yuuki - _**Kaname - **Ichijou

Location: _Night Dorm Classroom_

-

_Kaname!_

**Yes?**

_What are you doinnnnggg?_

**I'm paying attention to the teacher, Yuuki. You should be too.**

_Whhhyyy???_

**Because you need an education.**

_Nii-sama, I'm only sixteen! _

**Well, you can acquire an education at any age.**

_Nii-sama, how old are you?_

***cough* Erm, eighteen…**

See you are only about two years older than me!

**Yes, only two years… *nervous laugh***

_Exactly! So you should stop worrying about boring things and concentrate on having fun with me. _

Yeah, Kaname-sama you should lighten up! 

_**  
**_**Ichijou, go away.**

No! Yuuki and I are going manga shopping. Do you want to come? There's lots of yaoi novels to be found…

**I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.**

_What's wrong with yaoi?_

**Everything!**

_What? Why?_

…

Kaname-sama's just upset because he and Kiryuu discovered all the yaoi fanfiction about them both yesterday. The idea of embracing Kiryuu-kun fills him with indescribable contempt and disgust. 

_Ah_.

We all know he luffles him reallyyyy! 

…

_Yeah, very true! I mean, they are **really** hot stories!_

**Excuse me? Wait a minute, Yuuki - ****have you been reading any of these stories?**

_Umm… maaaybbee..._

**What? Why?**

_Well…_

She fantasises about you and Kiryuu together, obviously. The idea of you two together sends her into the throws of passion.

_Ichijou-kun! That was unfair! I only read the odd story, now and again, when Kaname's away and I'm on my own… _

…

**I need a drink.**

_Okay, anything for you Nii-sama! _

**I meant an alcoholic drink, actually.**

_Oh. Fine! I see you don't love me anymore! _

Wait, Yuuki!

**What? Yuuki, come here and let me talk with you darling… **

_No! I hate you all, life really really sucks! It smells of giant turd! I'll be in my room! T_T_

You've upset her.

**But how on earth have I done that? **

She thinks her blood isn't good enough for you now and therefore you don't love her. xD

**She knows perfectly well that isn't true, I have never given her any reason to suppose such a thing. **

Yeah, it's probably just PMS or something. Yuuki-sama's been kind of moody all day – I heard she told Ruka to leave her alone "or die and burn in hell" and then –

–**Wait a minute, did you just say PMS?**

Yes, what of it? 

**Maybe I'll go join her and get my drink after all… **

…

…

Ew.

-

-

* * *

A/N: If you are confused, PMS is Premenstrual Syndrome. Kaname is a vampire. You can figure out the rest… *snickers*  
_Also, if you would like me to write the chapter where Kaname + Zero discover this yaoi fanfiction, please tell me! If lots of people want it, then I will write it…_

Please review! :)

**Random fact of the day:**

_Children grow faster in the springtime._

_-_


	9. Punishments

A/N: As requested by **Inuyashee,** a chapter involving the wonderful Yori-chan.  
She is paired with Aido. I like to write Yori as wearing the trousers in the relationship… like she bosses Aido around XD

* * *

Thank you to my lovely reviewers! I can't believe I've got ninety-nine reviews! *bounces about like a little child*

* * *

_Yuuki = SnowPrincess_

_Aido = IceIceBaby_

_Ruka = BarbieGirl09_

_Rima = PockyGirl82_

_Yori = AidosMaster_

* * *

_-  
AidosMaster has logged on_

_IceIceBaby has logged on  
-_

**AidosMaster: **Hello Hanabusa, fancy seeing you here.

**IceIceBaby**: Y-Yori-chan! What are you doing here…?

**AidosMaster: **Nothing in particular. I'm waiting for Yuuki; we're going shopping together is all.

**IceIceBaby: **Is that… is that so?

**AidosMaster: **You seem a little nervous for some reason, Hanabusa. What's the matter…? *grins*

**IceIceBaby: **Nothing…

**AidosMaster: **Hmm…? Something you'd like to tell me?

**IceIceBaby:** I'm sorry about earlier Yori-chan! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!!!

**AidosMaster: **You do realise _you're _the vampire in this relationship._ I'm_ not the one who thinks it's _funny _to start biting people at _5am _in the morning.

**IceIceBaby**: B-but I thought you didn't mind! I woke up in the morning, and saw you lying there... and well, one thing led to another and…

**AidosMaster: **You have thirty seconds to get out of my sight or I will kill you.

**IceIceBaby: **Argh!

-  
_IceIceBaby has logged off  
__-  
__BarbieGirl09 has logged on_

_PockyGirl82 has logged on  
__-_

**BarbieGirl09**: Good morning, Sayori-chan!

**AidosMaster: **Hello Ruka-chan…

**BarbieGirl09**: What's the matter?

**PockyGirl82: **Has Aido been licking you again?

**AidosMaster: **Even worse. He bit me this time.

**BarbieGirl09**: Oh. How inconsiderate.

**PockyGirl82**: I recommend hanging him. What punishments are you currently inflicting on him?

**AidosMaster: **Umm… I don't know. What ones do you suggest?

**PockyGirl82: **Well I usually give Shiki a month pocky ban, or else I threaten to invite his father to our wedding.

**AidosMaster**: Ouch. What about you, Ruka-chan?

**BarbieGirl09: **Generally I find a sex ban is the most effective.

**AidosMaster: **S-sex ban…?

**BarbieGirl09: **It's one of the easiest ways to kill a man. In fact, if you get a sharp stick and –

-  
_SnowPrincess has logged on  
__-_

**SnowPrincess: **Hello everyone!

**AidosMaster: **Morning Yuuki-chan. Ruka-chan and Rima-chan were just telling me which best way to punish Aido. How do you punish Kaname-sempai?

**SnowPrincess: **I don't! Kaname-sempai is much older than Shiki and Kain and doesn't make silly mistakes like the other boys! ^_^

**BarbieGirl09: ***cough*

**SnowPrincess: **What was that, Ruka-chan?

**BarbieGirl09: **Nothing, nothing!

**SnowPrincess: **It was something.

**BarbieGirl09: **No it wasn't!

**SnowPrincess: **Yes it was.

**BarbieGirl09: **No it wasn't!

**SnowPrincess:** Yes. It. Was!

**BarbieGirl09:** No. It. Wasn't!

**SnowPrincess: **That's it, Ruka-chan! I am going to get KONKS right now!  
__

SnowPrincess has logged off in a sulk  
-

-

-

* * *

**Kaname - **Aidou - Kain - _Shiki _

**_-_**

Guys, they'yre plotting against us!

Shit. We need to think of something.

_Umm... maybe we should think of punishments for them?_

Err, but I can't think of any good ones! I'm not crafty like them!

_I can't think of any either! Maybe... ban them from watching soccer for a week?_

Oooohh, terrifying! I'm quaking in my boots!

_Look, I don't know! _

I know! Let's refuse to sleep with them for a month!

_But that's a punishment for us too!_

Ah. Good point.

**Everyone, stop being so paranoid. They're not going to do anything to you.**

Maybe not to _you _Kaname-sama, but you don't have to share a bed with Ruka!!

...

**Thank god.**

What was that?

**Nothing.**

It was something.

**No it wasn't.**

Yes it was!

**No, it wasn't!**

Yes. It. Was!

**No. It. Wasn't. **

That's it, Kaname-sama! I'm going to get Ruka! T_T

-

-

* * *

A/N: They were probably all very OOC in this, but never mind XD  
By the way, I will write the yaoi fanfiction chapter soon, I haven't forgotten it, I'm just waiting for the right time ^_^

You can all submit requests, like Inuyashee, for pairings/themes etc. Like you could say, "Aidou + Ruka in math class" and I'd try to write something around that..

Please review ;;D

**Random fact of the day:**

_The most common name in the world is Mohammed._

-


	10. Fanfiction Dot Com

A/N: Yay, an update! It's the yaoi chapter XD  
I promises I'll be making updates a bit quicker... because a week is kind of long, right? I dunno, do I update enough for this story in your opinion?

Anyway, on to the chapter. Thanks to my lovely reviewers! I am going to start personally replying to reviews, because some of you have such funny/sweet comments I can't resist...

* * *

Zero - **Kaname** - _The Kuran bedroom; NC Dormitory_

-

B-but Kuran, should we be doing this? Isn't it kind of naughty?

**Yes.**

Oh. What if Yuuki _finds out_?!

**She won't, don't be such a cry baby Kiryuu. **

I'm not a fucking cry baby!

**Here we go! Okay, here we go. **_**Fanfiction Dot Com.**_** She's already logged in, brilliant.**

What's her username?

**ILiveForYaoi...**

...

IS SHE GAY?! THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY SHE DIDN'T PICK ME!

**Yaoi is male on male. Imbecile. **

Oh.

**Yeah. **

What page are you on? Vampire Knight? There's no such thing as a vampire knight!

*coughs* Vampire Scum maybe...

**Ssh! Look, I can see my name.**

Really? Click it, and see what it says!

"**KanamexTakuma yaoi. Mature. Kaname uke. "**

Click it. What's an uke?

**Another word for puke? I don't know. **

...

*both reading*

...

HA. HA. HA...H.... *hyperventilating and trying to breathe*

**Kiryuu don't you da–**

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA!!!! THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

**Be quiet, dog! It's... It's n-not funny! **

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You're r-eally enjoying t-this K..Kuran! _"Takuma took him roughly from behind, and Kaname moaned out in pleasure as he felt the vampires length forced inside him."_ HAHAHAHAHA....Haa....H..... _"Takuma groaned as he thrust in and..." _Haa... HAHAHA.

***blushing furiously* L-like I would be into... **_**that... **_**I feel contaminated. **

I w-wouldn't p-put it past you! But I mean... people actually _enjoy_ reading this?

**I don't understand. How do they all know about us? HOW DO THEY KNOW IM THE ORIGINAL ANCESTOR? IT'S A SECRET!**

...You're the what?

**Never mind. **

T-try another one... let me catch my breath first....

**You're disgusting.**

What? I'm not the one who _"cried his name as he came in ecstasy."_ *rolls into uncontrollable laughter again*

**Go away if you're going to be vile! **

And leave you to read these wonderful literary contributions alone? Never!

**Look, here's one with **_**you**_** in it. "**_**Zero, a lone hunter, desperate with thirst and ready to do absolutely anything for some blood stumbles across an abandoned cottage where a promiscuous vampire waits..."**_

Err... what?

**If they're talking about Yuuki, I will slaughter you.**

Hey! I didn't write it!

**I don't care.**

You're so possessive. It's unhealthy.

**Well, you're so immature.**

Nothing wrong with being immature. Better than being... mature... *cough* _Kaname x Takuma _*cough*

**Ugh. I'm opening it now. **

...

*both reading*

...

...

**I think I'm going to be sick... You and me... alone...**

...

**Wait a minute, what's a butt plug?!**

**...**

**Kiryuu? Are you dead?**

**...**

**Look, I know it's disgusting but it's not **_**that**_ **bad is it? I don't blame the author really. Who wouldn't desire me? **

**...**

**I m-mean, n-not that I would ever desire **_**you.**_

I'm going to... d..die...

**Zero?**

R-resist urge to k-kill... resist...

**...**

**Let's try to find a bit more sensible and **_**clean**_**. Family related, shall we say?**

O-okay... *is writhing on floor in agony*

**Oh, look, here we go Zero, it's your twin brother! **_**"Ichiru and Zero fanfiction. One-shot."**_

...

*reading*

...

_TWINCEST?!_ WHAT THE HELL IS TWINCEST?!

**Oh god that's wrong...**

WHAT IS HE PUTTING IN MY WHAT?!

**I think twincest is also... gross...**

WHICH SICK BASTARD WROTE THIS? I'M GONNA SHOOT THEM!

**Er I don't think shooting the screen with the Bloody Rose will do anything. **

BUT IT'S DISGUSTING. I would n-never d-do that to Ichiru... in my bed...

**I know, Kiryuu, I know. *pats* **

I'll murder you if you do that again.

**Errr.... Let's find some more shall we? I'm determined to discover **_**one clean**_** story. **

**-**

**-**

**-**

Four hours, sixteen sheets of paper and one box of pocky later...

-

**Okay. So for females I've been paired with: Yuuki (I approve) Sara, Ruka, Yori and Seiren.**

Well I've got.... Yuuki (Yay for Zeki!) Ruka, Yori, Maria and Shizuka (Yeah... right...)

**For... m-males... I've got: You, Ichijou, Aido, Shiki, Kain, Ichiru, Cross.**

Annddd...?

**And Rido and Ichiou... Don't get me started on how revolting that is. **

Okay for males I have: You, Ichiru (sick, sick _perverts_!) and Yagari mostly.

**Ew.**

I know.

**Wait, why am I the one with more guys than girls? You've hardly got any guys!**

Because you're clearly gayer than me.

**Oh.**

**-**

**-**

**-**

* * *

A/N: Hopes you found this funny XD I did... but then, thats just me. They were clearly OOC, I know.

Oh goodness, this Wednesday I bought my monthly supply of pocky. Its supposed to last me about a month, cos I have to get it in London in Covent Garden, which I only go to every few weeks so I stock up to keep me going...  
And... I've eaten everything except one box. Damn.

Ps - Do you think I should change the rating to M on account of the homosexual references and swearing?

-

**Random fact of the day:**

_Women blink nearly twice as much as men._

-


	11. Fright Night

A/N: I actually hate FanFiction word editor. The underlining of words was completely messed up, so for Kain I've had to put a *words here* either side of his sentence. Sorry guys, if it's confusing.

This chapter is based around the film, "The Ring" which if you didn't know, is a film about a video tape that you die after watching. It's a great watch XD  
You also get a phone call from a creepy man saying "You will die in seven days" straight after watching it. What fun! ^^

The idea for a "horror film" was suggested by the lovely **CocoxLadyBat**!

-

* * *

Aidou - _Yuuki_ - **Kaname** - Ichijou - ***Kain* **- **_Ruka _**

Everyone is gathered to watch the horror film, "The Ring" in front of the large television Kaname bought for the night class dormitory after Yuuki begged for one. :D

-

-

-

Wahhh I don't want to watch it anymore!!

_**Go away then. I don't think anyone would miss you. **_

Hold my hand Kain!

**_*No.*_**

Ssh, it's getting to the good part!

WHATS GOOD ABOUT MURDER YOU EVIL PEOPLE?!

**_Aidou's right, where is the enjoyment in watching the pointless slaughter of many innocent youths?  
_**

...

It's just a film, Ruka.

_WAIT, DON'T GO IN THERE! _

STUPID GIRL CAN'T YOU SEE THE TELEVISION IS ON? DON'T LEAVE THE VIDEO TAPE IN THE PLAYER!!!!

**_WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TURN THE FRIGGIN' LIGHT ON, YOU FOOL! DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ANYTHING?!_**

***What the hell? A murdering video tape?**_***  
**_

_Aaahh! *scream***  
**_

It's alright Yuuki-sama, it will be okay! (By the way, why did you write "scream" on the paper?)

_NII-SAMA SAVE THEM!_

**No. **

_WHYYYY?_

**Because, my darling, the entire film is ridiculous.**

Wait, what?

**Well for a start, since when did videos have the ability to murder people?  
**

***He has a point guys.**_***  
**_

But... but... You don't know, a video _could_ murder people!

_Ichijou is right, Nii-sama, you just can't know! I once met a murdering cat, but you wouldn't expect one of those would you?!_

Yeah, damn right! How do you stop a murdering video anyway?

Yeah, they're invincible!

**I'd unplug the television.**

...

...

Damn.

**_He's good._**

Look at what she's doing now!

WHAT THE HELL?! BIMBO ALERT. (No, not you Ruka)

**_IS SHE BLIND?! Seriously, since when do you go into a DARK ROOM without ANY WEAPONS and wander around the room going "Gwahhh, there's something funny in here!" dumbly for about TWENTY MINUTES until you are cruelly murdered and become another demonstration of an idiotic human who should be BANNED from reproduction and whose pointless death only contributed to RAISING the average intelligence of a human being! CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!_**

**_...  
_**

***Ruka... Erm.... are you feeling okay love?***

**_I'M FINE._**

...

Let's watch Dracula instead ^_^

COOOOOL.

_Yay! Sounds much better! _

Isn't Dracula a vampire film?

***Maybe? I think my cousin was in one, once. She saves a lot of money on special effects**_**.***_

Has she ever accidentally eaten her co-star?

***A few times.***

Nice.

***That's why a lot of actors die of drug overdoses and sudden car crashes. Many actors are already nobles, using their good looks. But sometimes human actors get.... eaten.***

YOU MEAN LIKE JAMES DEAN? I KNEW IT!

_**No, that one was real.**_

Damn.

_It's true! I saw Angelina Jolie at the your soiree, Aidou. I always knew she was a vampire... No one's legs are naturally that long._

**_Ooookay._**_  
_

Aidou... why are you throwing the television out the window?

Eh? Oh! Erm... just want to be safe...

_Good idea. I'll do the lounge next. We must save the school from invasion of the creepy black haired girl!_

YEAHH, all creepy girls should die!

_Racist pig!!!_

**_You mean sexist, Yuuki-sama._**

_Oh, so I do! Sexist pig!  
_

Wait a minute, whose going to take the video back to blockbuster?

...

(all blankly staring at video case)

...

Not me.

Kain? Ruka?

***Hell no.***

**_I wouldn't want to inflict that piece of garbage on anyone else._**

Someone's going to have to. I don't want another fine after the last time when Aidou got out Legally Blonde.

If that was another blonde joke, Ichijou, I swear to God-

**I'll do it.**

_WHAT? NII-SAMA, NO!_

**Why not?**

_You might... you might... DIE._

**Hardly. I'll see you all later. Aidou, I expect you to replace the television you just destroyed.  
**

-

-

-

Yuuki-sama...?

_Yes?_

Well, seeing as Kaname-sama is at blockbuster...

_Yeah, and?_

Well, wouldn't it be **hilarious** if you gave us his cell and Zero rang him anonymously in a creepy voice?

_Why would that be funny Ichijou?_

We can pretend to be the caller from The Ring. I'm sure it would freak him out.

...

...

_Brilliant!_

Yay!

_I'll get Zero, you two get the phone._

Sorted.

-

-

* * *

A/N: I wasn't too happy with this chapter, but IDK, the vision of them all watching The Ring made me chuckle ^_^

Guess what, it's a snow day here in London, England! I danced about with delight when I was told that lessons were cancelled! And I get tomorrow off too! How awesome is that? We were playing in the snow for about six hours today, my toes have literally frozen to death.

Please review my lovelies XD

-**  
**

**Random fact of the day:**

_In Cleveland, Ohio it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license._

*rolled on floor laughing for about ten minutes after reading that*


	12. Cakey Cakey

_A/N: Yay! I updated! I'm so heavily snowed with work... as usual... but I do try really hard to update! Promise! It's my birthday in like four weeks, and I need to decide what to do for my birthday. Does anyone have any good ideas? We won't be all 18 yet, so nothing that requires ID... but I wasn't sure between a house party, a civilised dinner-ish meal for about 12, or something fun, like cinema/ice skating. What you think?_

_P.S - thank you to the lovely people who are submitting ideas! Some of them are genius! They are all going straight on my InProgress list XD_

_

* * *

_

_Yuuki - _**Kaname - **Bedroom

-

_-_

_Kaname!_

**Yes?**

_I was out shopping with Ichijou-kun, and we walked past this particular shop…_

**Yes…**

_And well, I've decided on something you can get me!_

**Really?!**

_Yeah!_

**Wait a minute… what is it? I'm not buying you yaoi manga.**

_No, I want a kitty._

**Like, a cat, kitty?**

_Yeah, unless you know another kind of kitty! :)_

**I've met a few other kinds in my existence… But seriously, there is nothing worse than cats that claw everything.**

_Yes there is!_

**Like what?**

_Like AIDs._

…**Good point. Aids are a high problem for vampires. I think most nobles die from it. It's a good way to find out if your mate is cheating on you…**

_Eh?_

**Never mind.**

_So, can I have one? Pleaase?_

**Yuuki, I really don't think having a kitten is the best idea. **

_Whhyyyyy not? _

**Because the last time I bought you a hamster for Christmas you forgot to feed it for three weeks.**

_Hey, I was only __thirteen__! And he didn't die, if you remember!!_

**It was a close call.**

_Pleasssee Nii-sama! I'll give it a cute little bowl, a pink collar, its own basket at the foot of our bed and everything!_

**Fine, fine, just stop with the puppy dog eyes. You know what they do to me. **

_Oh, I __know__…_

**Yuuki, why are you molesting my leg with your cheek?**

_Uhm… I'm just stroking you? _

**Stroking me? I can think of better places. Try moving that cheek three inches to the right.**

_Nii-sama? But that's where your YOUKNOWWHAT is… _

***sighs* You are so dense sometimes, my love…**

_So I can have one? PLEEAAASEE._

**Yes. I'll regret it later, but yes. But he is not sharing our bed. **

_YAYAYAYAY, thank you Nii-sama! You can have anything you want in return!!_

**Anything…?**

_Yup!_

**I know what I really, **_**really**_** want…**

_What?_

**It's a little embarrassing…**

_Tell me! I'll do it for you!_

…

…

_Nii-sama!! I've never heard of such a…. What about the danger?… I mean… oh! _

**Shall we try?**

_*vigorously nodding*_

_-_

_-_

_-_

* * *

_**Around thirty-six minutes and eighteen seconds later. Roughly.**_

_**-**_

Aidou - Kain - _NC Dormitory _

_-_

_-_

Kain?

Yup?

What's that noise coming from upstairs?

Erm… I think it's Yuuki-sama…

What's about the banging?

Erm… I think that's Kaname-sama…

What are they doing? Are they nailing something really hard to the wall? With a hammer?

…

Aido, you _really_ need a girlfriend.

I HAVE ONE, THX!

Then what the hell do you do with her all day?! Do you even _know_ what sex _is?_

Sex…?

Yeah.

I thought it was a kind of cake. 

…

-

-

-

* * *

_*sigh* I kind of feel like they just aren't very funny anymore. I don't know why. Maybe I have high expectations of myself. Who knows. The cake line is from a comedy show, guess which one! and the AIDs line is from me :) I love being obvious. Kaname wasn't meant to be so sexually motivated in this chappie.... but... sometimes fangirls need pretend.  
I wonder what his fetish is.. *various perverted thoughts running through mind* You can suggest if you like! _

_Anyway, I was thinking of planning a sex education lesson for Aido. What do you think? _

_-_

**Random fact of the day:**

_- Starfish don't have brains - _

Wooowwee! I'm a starfish!


	13. Baldness

A/N: This is the unfortunate result of allowing a girl with a strong hangover near a laptop. Aido's chapter will probably be next if this gets a good reaction.  
This is quite random. For the purposes of this chapter, everyone knows Kaname is the original ancestor.  
Thank you very much for your kindly reviews! It's super amazing reading all your comments. (L)

-  
This chapter is dedicated to my little 'sisters' - **a and n.  
**Onee-chan loves you! XD

* * *

_Yuuki – _**Yori** – Ruka - _DC Dormitory_

_-_

Yori! There you are!

**Eh?**

_Wakaba-san, we need to talk to you._

_**W-what about?**_

…

_Aido. _

**What about him?**

_Yori… there's no nice way to say this, but…._

Just what the HELL have you been teaching Hanabusa about sex?

…

**E-Excuse me? **

_Yori… Kain-kun told me and Ruka-chan that Aido thought sex was a cake._

I couldn't believe he actually thought that. He's supposed to be a genius!

**But… I thought sex **_**was**_** a cake…? **

…

You have _got _to be kidding me.

_Are you serious, Yori-chan? I mean… wow. _

I thought sex education was pretty standard for humans. They have such a limited time to reproduce; they really have to get down and on it.

**I wasn't allowed to go to sex ed classes. My parents thought it would "damage the fragile makeup of my already easily influenced mind." My only information was that my parents told me it was a cake of pleasure.**

_It's probably true, Ruka-chan. I can see them doing that. _

I doubt it. Why would someone ban their child from sex education classes? She's seventeen for Christ's sake! My mother was _married_ at the age of seventeen!

**My parents were married at twenty-one. They got married on July 21****st****. It was a sunny day, but slightly overcast. **

What does that have to do with anything?

**It… It doesn't. **

So, come on Yuuki. Why do you believe that Yori's that naïve?

_Well, her parents did say that if she ever kissed a boy before she became engaged to him they would shave her head and sent her off to an all-girls boarding school. _

But I don't understand, why would they shave her head?

_Maybe to rid her of any male disease?_

What have human males got to do with hair?

_Well… men have a lot of hair._

Not really.

_Yes they do! They have more than woman, anyway._

That's only because women shave or wax.

_What about beards then?_

Drat. You win that one.

_Anyway, we pretty much don't any unsightly body hair, do we Ruka-chan? It's all part of the whole "vampire woman attract human males into our den until we suck their blood" vibe. _

But why doesn't that extend to our heads too?

_Umm… maybe because women aren't very sexy when they're bald?_

But how do you know? When did you last see a bald woman?

_Ermm… I've never seen one._

Exactly. So how do you know? It could be incredibly attractive and sexy.

_I really doubt that. It would be like seeing a baby with boobs. _

So… do all human bald men look like babies then?

_Err, maybe…? But bald men don't have breasts!_

Actually, I think you'll find a lot of them do.

_What?! No they don't!_

Yeah, they have what is commonly referred to as 'man boobs.'

_I've never met anyone with man boobs._

But how many old men have you met?

_Well… the chairman is probably the oldest person I know. Unless you're counting Nii-sama. He's pretty damn old. _

He's older than hair, probably.

_How can you be older than hair?_

Well you can be older than a person. So why not older than a hair?

_Ruka, that's a ridiculous statement. Hair's been around for gazillions of years. _

Yeah, and so has Kaname-sama.

_No he hasn't! Not gazillions, more like millions._

What's the difference between a gazillion and a million?

_I forget. _

Well… I win that hair argument. 1-1.

_I still maintain that bald women are not on my hot list._

**Girls, can you stop talking about hair for one minute? What's all this about sex? Have you baked any cake sex lately?**

...

_Onii-sama and I cook hot sex eveerrryy night._

Y-Yuuki-sama! Please!

_What? How often do you bake it Ruka?_

I am not sharing that kind of personal information with you!

**Is it like a personal thing then? Do vampires not like discussing cakes?**

_Oh, we discuss it Yori-chan. I discuss sex a lot._

I know…

_Ruka-chan looovves sex. Any time she can get it. Kain usually gives it to her. _

Shut the _hell_ up!

**What's wrong with liking cake? My friend always said it tasted **_**really**_** good, and this guy once gave her an amazing ca–**

–_Yori! I think it's time we told you some things._

**About cake?**

_Yes. About Cake. _

I'll go get Hanabusa too. This is getting ridiculous.

**I want some cake now! You've made me hungry.**

_Well if you ask Hanabusa nicely, who knows… maybe he'll let you have it?_

-

-

-

* * *

A/N: Hehe, that was random, right? I found it funny… but sometimes I wonder if my mind is just completely off key. I started writing Aido's conversation and ended up with this! :D  
Just for the record, I am fully over the legal consent age here. I just don't want people thinking I'm a naïve eleven year old writing about sex without actually really having any personal experience. I just have a perverted and childish humour, which often results in this kind of stuff!

The shaving hair off and sending abroad comes from my friend. Her nigerian mother threatened to send her to Nigeria with a shaved head if she ever had pre-marital. XD  
So glad I am not her.  
-

**Random fact of the day  
**(_suggested by the fab TwilightSkyBlue!)_

Just like the fingerprint, every human tongue print is individual.

-


	14. Achoo!

A/N: Ack, sorry it's been a while my dears. I have just been running around all week, and beta-ing, as Yume fans have probably noticed ^_^

And then stupid FF login was all broken for about three/four days, so I couldn't upload this chapter. It frustrated me much. But now it's working, YAYAYAY!  
I've made this chapter longer to make up for it… hope you like it! XD

* * *

_Ichijou –_Aido – Ruka – **Yori **–_– NC Dormitory_

_-_

_So. Aido. Tell me what you have learnt about the basics._

Ugh… do I have to?

_Yes! _

FINE… When a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a special cuddle with each other, involving their genitalia. This is called 'sex', and is considered the most pleasurable thing next to drinking blood.

_Good. Good. You have grasped the basics. Now we discuss 'foreplay'_

What the hell is foreplay? It sounds painful.

_You will find out. Ruka, Kain – the demonstration, please!_

…

Ichijou, for the ninth time, we are _not_ demonstrating. Why would I?

_Just a little stroking and maybe a quick cuddle?_

…You are such a _pervert!_

_Come on, how else is he supposed to learn?_

You can act it out with him instead if you want him to learn so much.

…

_I don't think Aido's like that…_

Like what?

_N-nothing. Right, stage two: Girlfriend Initiation. _

You manage to make that sound incredibly creepy.

_Yori-chan, come here._

**What is it?**

_Aido, this here is your girlfriend. Yes?_

Yes…. So what?

_How does she make you feel?_

Umm... all warm and squishy inside? 

….

_Do you ever feel like doing anything to her, Aido?_

…Like drinking her blood? 

_Apart from that._

**You are **_**not **_**drinking my blood Hanabusa. **

Whyyyyyy not?

**Because I said so. And because I don't want to catch Aids. Who knows where you've stuck those teeth before me?**

I am not a blood drinking slut.

_***cough cough* Yeah, right… ^o)**_

I'm not!

**Hm**…

Guys? I'm not, am I?

…

Hello?

...

Come _on _Hanabusa, everyone knows it. There's no shame in being a man whore. You're just like a straight George Michael. No one cares, we accept you.

_George Michael? WHERE?!_

Ah, sorry, Ichijou, I forgot about your George Michael phobia.

***snort* A **_**what**_** phobia? **

_It's not funny! _

Moving onnn….

_Let's get back to Aido being a man whore… and leave You-Know-Who out of this conversation. _

**You-Know-Who?**

George Michael. Don't ask, seriously.

_Look! Focus on Aido's blood drinking womanising nature! Stop talking about You-Know-Who! _

Sshh Ichijou… it's okay… he can't hurt you here.

**Weird… I suppose Ichijou's got a point though. **

About You-Know-Who or Aido?

**Aido.**

Oh.

**Well, I mean, Hanabusa… before you met me, how many times did you try to get Yuuki-chan's blood?**

Umm… a lot? 

_Exactly! You are a complete and utter man whore. Decided._

How can you say such things?! 

_I just did…? Man whore ^_^_

You're dead to me, Ichijou. Dead.

I decided he was one a _looong_ time ago.

_Not helping, Ruka! So… what do you like about the way Yori looks? What's appealing about her 'body'…? _

That's _easy!_ I love her eyes, and her smile, and the cute way she scrunches her little nose up whenever she gets frustrated and….

…

…

We still have a long way to go.

-

-

-

* * *

_Yuuki – _**Kaname** –– Kaname's bedroom

-

_Kaname! KONKS! Nii-sama! _

**Yes…?**

_Well, you know how much I love my new kitten and all, with his adorable little fluffy grey fur and blue eyes? He's so utterly cuddly and cutesy!_

**Yes… I remember. You have thanked me numerous times for him.**

_Yeah, well anyway, I finally thought of a name for my kitten! _

**Well done my darling.**

…

_Aren't you going to ask me what he's called?_

**You are going to tell me anyway, and I have no objection to knowing.**

_Okay, well, he's called… Count Chocula! _

…

**No way. **

_What?_

**Yuuki, you are **_**not **_**calling your kitten Count Chocula. I sanction much of your ridiculousness my dear, because I love you, but even I cannot allow that. Dracula would kill me. **

_Fine, fine. I'll just name him Zero then! _

**I really don't want you to name your kitten after that hunter boy either. **

_Are you being rude about my BFFBHAEMATWTG?!_

**You're **_**what? **_**And of course I am being rude to him. I always am. **

_My BFFBHAEMATWTG - Best friend forever because HOT angsty emo men are the way to go._

…

**You really seem to enjoy creating name combinations for everyone. **

_Without nicknames in my life, I would be nothing! Nothing I tell you! _

**Don't be silly darling. **

_It's not silly! I'll think up nicknames for everyone soon, you wait and see. _

**Well then… what name would you give us as a couple?**

_  
That's easy! I was thinking about this the other day, what with celebrity couples such as Brangelina. We would be __**'YuKame.'**__ You like it?_

**No.**

_What? Why not, Nii-sama? I thought you loved me! *mimics horror*_

**I don't like it because 'YuKame' sounds extremely rude. **

_Oh… Oh! Yeah. So it does. Good job I decided against YuKunKam then. _

…

_It's an abbreviation of Yuuki, Kuran and Kaname. _

…**And people think **_**I'm **_**the perverted one. **

**-**

**-**

**-**

* * *

Yuuki – Zero – Ichijou –– Zero's bedroom

-

_Zero, you know you're my __BFFBHAEMATWTG__, right?_

Yeah…

_Well, I need your opinion. Today I got out of bed and felt extremely nauseous. I think I'm sick._

Purebloods don't get ill, you baka.

_Why not? This is an absolute travesty in vampire rights! Why am I not allowed the right to be sick if I want to be?! _

…

Most people would think not getting ill was a _good_ thing.

_It's not! I __like__ having an excuse to lie in bed all day! _

…

Well… I guess your sick in the head. That's technically makes you ill…?

_Zero! So mean!_

What?! You're the one who wanted to be ill!

_Look, I can feel a cold coming on. Is my nose red?_

No.

_I'm going to sneeze. Oh god, I've caught pneumonia! I'm going to die!_

Don't be so melodramatic.

_ACHOO!_

You called…? Yuuki-sama?

…

_I said, 'Achoo' not 'Ichijou'…?_

Oh. Oh. Well, I can see when I'm not wanted. Fine! 

_What was up with him?_

I have no idea. Why the hell did you _write_ 'Achoo' anyway? You didn't even sneeze!

_Always have to be the smart one, don't ya Zero? _

But… but its ridiculous!

_Ssh! Don't make fun of me when I'm unwell! ACHOO!_

Yes?

…

Oh. Another mistake. I see.

Look what you've done now, Yuuki.

_Stop making fun of me, it's not my fault I've caught hepatitis!_

What does hepatitis have to do with sneezing?

…

_It's a disease…? ACHOO!_

Wha–

Not you, idiot.

Fine! I'll be in this closet if anyone needs me! 

You are _not_ hiding in my closet! Get out, now!

Make me! 

That's it. I'm getting the Chairman. Tsk.

…

…

_ACHOOO!_

LOOK, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, I'M NOT COMING OUT THE CLOSET. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

…

_You're… gay?_

-

-

* * *

A/N: I think I'm going to stop this series soon, because they just aren't as good anymore in my opinion. It's better to quit while I'm ahead, right? Although, I do love your comments… *torn*  
I've noticed I write so much smutty jokes in my story! :D All part of my perverted humour I'm afraid… XD

Yuuki said she felt nauseous. *visualises possibilities of pregnant Yuuki* Hmm… what do you think?

-

**Random fact of the day:**

_The word "nerd" was first used by Dr. Seuss in "If I Ran the Zoo."_

-

_p.s – if you like YuukixKaname pairings, please go subscribe to my new KanamexYuuki community! You can find it on my profile, under 'My Communities'. Thank you so much my dears~! :D_


	15. Obsessions

A/N: Okay, so this is something different. It's once of those "Obsessed" Lists. I wrote this a few days ago, but I've only just managed to really get my brain fuctioning enough today to upload it. I have a huge backlog of work to do, which really is driving me mad... *sigh*

Thanks **so** much to my reviews! I would have replied... but man... I've been kind of dead since Tuesday.

_As for this list, I should warn you, I have done almost every one of these things. If you run away in fright from the weirdo, I understand :P_

* * *

**You know you're obsessed with Vampire Knight when….**

**-**

1. You tick the days off your calendar until the next chapter release

2. Your favourite colour is now crimson.

3. You know the exact day Lala Magazine is supposed to be released (24th!)

4. You would be horrified to know how many times you have read the VK manga chapters.

5. Whenever you see someone get slapped you automatically think of Aidou getting bish slapped by Kaname.

6. Whenever you have a lot of free time, it's usually spend doing something VK related.

7. You are convinced that Vampire must exist.

8. You wish you'd thought of Vampire Knight before Matsuri Hino.

9. All of the names, like "Akatsuki, Aidou, Ichijou" have been added to your Microsoft dictionary.

10. You have dreamt about Vampire Knight, and in anime format.

11. You would love nothing better than to have Zero and Kaname fight over you.

12. Snow is now your favourite weather condition, despite the fact you used to think it was annoying.

13. You edit the Vampire Knight Wikipedia pages, because you can.

14. Almost every day you wish you were a vampire.

15. Your VK manga books are one of your most prized possessions.

16. You decided if you ever saw Hino walking around, you'd kidnap her and make her tell you the ending of the manga, and which pairing wins.

17. You've plotted this kidnap down to the last handcuff.

18. When on holiday you went to an internet café just to read the new VK chapter.

19. You write Vampire Knight Fanfiction.

20. You read Vampire Knight Fanfiction.

21. Every time new manga chapter comes out you can't help but scream a little bit.

22. You were so annoyed when the Vampire Knight forum was down, because you had no one to rave about Vampire Knight with.

23. Your screensaver is always related to Vampire Knight, usually M-chan's fanarts.

24. You wish your friends were into Vampire Knight.

25. You go all the way to Covent Garden to buy your monthly supply of pocky and you've got all your friends into pocky too.

26. You're reading this list and agreeing with me on most of the points.

27. You can't speak Japanese yet you can sing the four opening and closing songs from both the VK anime series off by heart.

28. After your best friend insulted VK when you forced her to watch the first anime episode, you were sorely tempted to punch her.

29. You realised, no matter how hard you try to pretend you're mature and above the day class girls, you know fully well you would run around the night class screaming wildly if you ever saw them.

-

-

**You know you're obsessed with Zero Kiryuu when...**

**-**

30. You don't mind the idea of going grey anymore.

31. Tattoos suddenly seem far sexier.

32. You cry for Zero every time you watched the final episode of Vampire Knight Guilty.

33. Every time you go pigeon shooting you like to imagine Zero is with you, instead of your middle aged gun instructor.

34. You ask your gun instructor if he's ever heard of the 'Bloody Rose' and he looks at you like you're mental.

35. You wouldn't mind Zero biting you. Not at _all._

36. You tried to convince your guy friends to get neck tattoos and ear piercings. A few got pierced ears, but no tattoos… yet.

37. You stared in disbelief at his half naked torso and wondered how a drawing was that incredibly hot.

38. When your math teacher mentions 'Zero' you get a little bit excited.

39. You fangirled really hard when you realised Mamoru Miyano, the voice of Zero, also played Tamaki in Ouran High School Host Club.

40. You rewatched Ouran High School Host Club after realising this.

41. When you see how angst ridden Zero is, you just want to squish him in a massive cuddle. Even if he shoots you for it.

-

-

**You know you're obsessed with Kaname Kuran when…**

**-**

42. You refuse to let your boyfriend cut his hair, because long dark hair is the way to go.

43. You've strongly considered naming your son Kaname, despite it being an unusual Japanese name.

44. You have an image folder entirely dedicated to Kaname captioned "Kaname meltdroolpics"

45. The idea of playing chess has suddenly become appealing.

46. You spend most of your history lessons doodling pictures on your folder of Kaname and Yuuki in their wedding clothes. Your history teacher sees said pictures and laughs.

47. You cry every single time Kaname and Yuuki have their final scene in Vampire Knight Guilty.

48. You get really angry when people hate on Kaname. So what if he's a bit possessive? S'cool.

49. When it snows you half expect to see Kaname walking towards you.

50. Your mother started asking you who 'Kaname' was.

51. Your mother stopped asking you who Kaname was.

52. You made your mother read your Vampire Knight fanfiction with hopes of converting her. It failed, but on the plus side at least she thinks you're into incest. Yay…

53. You watched Vampire Knight Guilty episode 12 over and over, just because Daisuke Kishio narrates it.

54. You have decided Daisuke Kishio is the sexiest voice in existence.

55. You want to marry Daisuke Kishio, cos he's as near to Kaname as you'll get.

56. You associate the words "onii-sama" only with Kaname.

57. You used to think finding anime characters hot was weird, until you met Kaname Kuran.

58. The perv in you is dying to see Kaname half naked for once. *or else full naked. I'm not picky*

59. You refuse to acknowledge that Kaname is a fictional character.

60. When you discovered Kaname and Yuuki were incestuous, you simply said "Well then damn, I'm going pro incest! They are _hawt_!"

-

-

* * *

A/N: So this was much of an experiment, obviously. I'm very eager to see whether or not you actually agreed with me on any of these points, or if its just my random obsessed mind running awol? :)  
Seriously, I think I have done pretty much every one of those things. Especially the Kaname Kuran stuff :D

Are you as obsessed as I am? Teehee ^_^ If you can come up with some of your own reasons I haven't mentioned, I may do another list. XDXD

-

**Random fact of the day:**

_A **doodle sack** is an old English word meaning a bagpipe.  
_  
LOL.


	16. Yuuki's Dilemma

**A/N: Sorry it's been a while guys! I've been running around with coursework and birthday stuff, and updating my other story The Pureblood Secret, cos it got 72% of the votes on which one I should focus on updating. Polls still open though! Anyway, here it is. I hope you enjoy! ^_^**

* * *

**Yagari** – Zero** --- **Day Classroom

-

_**Yo', idiot apprentice. **_

Hello.

_**What you doing, baka? Running after that stupid girl again?**_

…

Do you mind not being so rude?

_**Eh?**_

Well I mean, 'idiot apprentice' and 'baka' are hardly very nice ways to talk about me, are they?

_**So… what do you want me to call you…? Mildly unintelligent apprentice? Slightly on the dim side?**_

How about… darling? Or sweetheart?

_**Ew. Are you serious, baka?**_

Yes!

_**Gross, I can't believe you're serious, imbecile!**_

*cough*

_**I mean… err… Gross, I c-can't believe you're serious… d-darling?**_

Much better.

_**I thought you shunned all kinds of affection from other men.**_

I only like it from you, lovely wonderful master. Only you.

**-**

**-**

**-**

* * *

_Yuuki – _Zero – **Kaname** --- Zero's bedroom

_-_

_Zerrrroooooooooooooooooo!!!!!_

What?

_I need your help! Right now! It's urgent!_

What's the matter? Drowned your kitten or something?

_No, tiger is doing perfectly fine, thank you! It's me I'm worried about._

Self centred? I wouldn't have thought it of you.

_No! Not like that! Shh…. Listen!_

…I'm listening.

_Well, you know how Ichijou and I read manga in the bath together every Thursday afternoon?_

I didn't, and Kuran will kill him, but continue….

_Whatever. Anyway, after I got out I felt really nauseous. At first I thought it was the whole icecream tub I ate but then I realised it couldn't be…_

…I really don't like where this is going.

_I also remembered my period was late. _

That's true actually, I haven't uhm… _smelt_ you… for a while.

_Gross, Zero! You smell me?! Every month?!?!_

I can't help it! It's even worse when you're a pureblood cos it smells so… _good! _It doesn't help if you like the girl either. Your mind wanders.

…

Don't look at me like that! You know Kuran loves it too. Sick bastard…

_You're the sick bastard!!!_

Point taken.

_Do you want to hear the rest of my story or not?_

Well I know where it's going, unfortunately, but continue.

_Okay. So, anyway, I ran to the pharmacy and bought one of those tests and took it home, careful not to let onii-sama see me, and then I did the test. Three minutes. Or was it two…? I forget._

So…

_So… I'm pregnant! _

…

Who's the father?

_!!_

I'm guessing it's me.

_As if! _

Kidding! God, you didn't have to hit me. I know its Kurans.

_Good! I haven't told Kaname yet… I really should do._

Oh, _now_ I realise why you told me!

_What…?_

Its okay Yuuki, I accept. Just for you.

_Eh? Accept what?_

You could have just asked me upfront you know. I know it's an awkward subject but…

_Awkward subject? What have you just accepted?! _

I'll accept you asking me be the godparent of your inbred, filthy, incestuous child.

_Eh?_

I'll take him on awesome little camping trips around wherever the hell Kurans currently imprisoning you, and we can stay out all night cooking little marshmallows in the fire and catching fish. I'll even teach the kid how to use a gun and stuff, and maybe one day he'll decide to shoot his dad…

_Err… Zero…_

What?

_I was gonna ask Ichijou and Yori-chan to be the godparents. Sorry…_

I was gonna buy him his own gun for a christening present and everything! Yuuki, how could you? Now I'm really mad!

_I thought you wouldn't want to be the godparent! _

That's it, you are getting punished. Kuran! KURAN!

_He's not going to answer you._

Wanna bet? KURAN I'M TRYING TO TOUCH YUUKI WITH MY FILTHY HUNTER HANDS.

_Stop that!_

SHE'S GONNA GET IT GOOD!

_Zero! He'll kill you!_

Nah he won't. He'll be here in precisely… right about now.

...

**What did you say Kiryuu?**

Guess what Kuran?

_Don't you dare Zero!!_

**What's going on here? What are you doing to Yuuki?**

_I _didn't do anything to her, but _you_ clearly did.

**Spit it out, vermin.**

_Zero!_

Yuuki's pregnant.

...

...

...

...

I think he's fainted.

-

* * *

A/N: Whaddya think? It's not one of my best but... I tried really hard with this one. I went with the Yuuki pregnant vibe, because it has so many entertaining possibilities. I can warn you now her pregnany period will be random - she will remain pregnant as long as I want her so :D

Please do review and let me know your thoughts! ^_^

**Random word of the day:**

_Dejabrew_

"When you begin to remember things that you did last night after drinking a large quantity of beer. Similar to 'deja vu'."

-


	17. Lads Night

A/N: A/N: Waahhh I hate fanfiction sometimes. I really should be concentrating on my studies right now as its two months to exams, but when I have such nice readers I just want to write. It's like: "Screw it, I don't need to go to university; I need to write fanfiction!" ^_^

Thank you, as ever, for reviewing this – your delightful comments make writing this story worthwhile and make me chuckle ;;D

_p.s: To 'The Pureblood Secret' readers – update is coming soon, promise! I've written it and just sent it off to my lovely beta to check._

* * *

Aidou – _Yuuki _– NC Dormitory

-

Hiya Yuuki-sama. Has Kaname recovered yet?

_Yeah, he's got used to the idea now. He wanted babies in the future anyway, just not quite so soon. It's his fault for not using contraception._

Do pureblood vampires even _have_ contraception?

_I don't know… maybe? I'll ask him next time. _

Next time? Ha! You'll be lucky. 

_What's that supposed to mean?_

Well… you're gonna get fat soon.

_Thanks, Aidou. Really improving my mood here. _

You're the one who got pregnant!

_How is that my fault?_

Well… it takes two to tango.

_Whatever. Everyone knows you can dance alone._

Yeah, you can, but it doesn't get you _pregnant_!

_**Beep.**_

What was that?

_Oh, my new mobile. Zero bought me an iPhone so we can message each other without having to use the computer._

Riight. I swear no one in Vampire Knight ever has money troubles. 

_Well, Hino has got kind of wealthy now. She did pay for my hair extensions after all. Zero's facebooking me right now. Ooh! _

What's facebook?

_I don't know. It's like myspace. They should have called it myface. It sounds better than facebook. I could have been like: "Hey Zero, come on myface!" _

That… err... really wouldn't work. 

_**Beep**__._

_What? He __poked__ me. I don't like being poked by people. It's not nice._

-

-

* * *

_Yuuki _– **Kaname **– Kuran bedroom

-

_Nii-sama, have you ever noticed how almost all words have dirty connotations?_

**I can't say I have.**

_It's true!_

**But if you believe all words have dirty connotations surely that just means you have a dirty mind?**

_I do not have a dirty mind. My theory is true, and that's all there is to it. _

**Well… if you say so… it's true then?**

_You don't believe me!!_

**Of course I don't. But I don't want you to throw a plate at me again.**

_Haha. I love hormones. You can't even tell me off!_

**I can spank you though.**

_See! Dirty connotation, right there!_

**It was meant to be dirty…**

_I will prove to you that my theory about dirty connotations is right!_

**Have fun with that.**

_There you go again! Fun! Pfft. Everyone knows fun's a euphemism for sex._

**No, most people use it to indicate something joyful or pleasurable.**

…

…

**Oh for god's sake! Pleasure has nothing to do with sex.**

_So now you're telling me my sex isn't pleasurable!!_

**Uhmm… no that's not what I….**

_KANAME KURAN YOU'RE DEAD TO ME. DEAD._

**Yuuki….**

_No. Don't "Yuuki" me in that sexy voice. I've had enough of you sashaying up to me in your brooding yet oh-so-sultry manner. You may be the father of my jellybean but I do not care._

**Jellybean? You're calling our unborn child **_**jellybean**_**?**

_Or sprog. Sometimes I use foetus or sperm cake. _

**I worry about your health sometimes my love. I think the hormones are making you delusional. **

_Stop being mean to sperm cake. It's not his fault he's making me a little crazy. TTYN, Kaname!_

**TTYN…?**

_Talk to you never._

**Huh? That sentence makes no sense. If you were going to 'talk to me never' then we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place.**

…

…_You smell._

_.-_

_-_

* * *

**Kaname**_ – _Zero – Zero's bedroom

-

Kaname, what are you doing in this neck of the woods? Shouldn't you be with your _pregnant fiancée? _

**My 'pregnant fiancée' just told me that I smell.**

Bummer, man.

**Was Yuuki always this… random… when you lived with her?**

Yup.

**Oh… damn.**

She's kinda crazy sometimes, but doesn't that just endear her more to you?

**Of course, but all the same I don't like getting things thrown at me.**

Haha! She did that?! Man, Yuuki has you wrapped round her little finger.

**Don't be so sarcastic hunter boy, you are just as bad.**

True… true…

**Hmm…**

What we gonna do about it?

**I propose a Yuuki ban.**

A what now?

**No more Yuuki for the rest of the day. Let's have a lad's night in.**

Eh? Do you even know what a lads night in is?

**I assume it involves beer and… and… **_**football**_** *shudder***

Yeah, you pretty much summed it up. Man, guys need to get more original.

**I don't really know **_**how**_** to have a lad's night in.**

Me neither. I'm going to go ask Yuuki, she knows all about this kind of stuff…

**Zero!**

Oh. Right.

_-_

_-_

* * *

A/N: Lol, I love Zero and Kaname when they get along. Why oh why can't this happen in VK? T_T  
Man, they are both so hot. I'm full of Zeka love right naw. :D Quite possibly the hottest male duo in existence, ne?

**Random fact of the day:**

_I broke my toe last Tuesday – it's the first time I've ever broken something! Some idiot also trod on it today during my drama lesson…  
__They didn't make it out alive._

_-_


	18. OMK

A/N: Wow, umm... Zero and Kaname kinda just became buddies overnight! Just go with it guys... I wrote this on my mobile, as my laptop is broken, but I had to email it to my best friend, who logged onto my fanfiction account and uploaded it for me, because the font formatting doesn't work on my phone properly. And it would have taken ages to write [i]Hi Kaname![/i] for every person, so... Say your thankies to her! Otherwise, no chapter... *cries* Although, I notice not as many people reading anymore, are you tired of my randomness?

This chapter is dedicated to "_Riz-I"_ and "_Apple Juice and Candy Floss"._ They both rock!

* * *

**_Rima - _**Ruka --- NC Dormitory.

-

_**Hiya, whats up?**_

Rima! You okay?

**_Yeah, fine thanks..._**

**_..._**

**_..._**

_**Sooo, how was your day, Ruka?**_

OMK! It was amazing!

_**OMK?**_

Oh My Kaname! _(Yes, I did just do that~! Haha, screw you Edward!)_ My day was absolutely astonishing! Firsly, Aidou came up to me and was like: "OMK, Ruka! We totally both love the same guy!" and then I was all: "Yeah, I knew that dorfus, thats why I hate you!" and then he replied being all astonished and was like: "Well, Ruka that's the awesome thing! I totally woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and realised I don't want Kaname anymore!" and then I was actually majorly happy and was all: "Seriously?! Are you telling the truth?" Then he was like: "Nah, just messing with you."

So I punched him. In the _face_.

**_I know._**

Oh.

**_Well, I saw him crying in the toilets five minutes ago. He said: "Ruka just punched me in the face!" So... I kinda figured you did it._**

Oh. That makes sense, I suppose...

...

...

He actually cried?

**_Like a baby._**

Score!

**_Bored now._**

What are you doing?

**_Just chatting to you._**

Cooooooooool.

**_..._**

**_..._**

**_..._**

**_Sometimes I forget why we're friends Ruka._**

Because we're both hot.

**_Oh. Makes sense I guess._**

Yup. Wanna go laugh at ugly people to make us feel better?

**_Yeah, why not._**

-

-

* * *

Zero - **Kaname - **_Yuuki -- _Zero's bedroom

-

Ah... it's so relaxing here.

**Agreed. I should come here more often.**

You should, 'Name my man. You must get bored of stuffy night class chambers, when I got a nice peaceful crib.

**Ze-kun, so how exactly are we going to do our lads night in? What do we _do? _**

I know, I know, I know!

**What?**

Can we bitch slap Aidou?!

**Oh my god, I can't believe you just said that.**

What? You were thinking it!

**Yeah, but you _said _it!**

BISHSLAAPPPP!

**I knew you enjoyed watching that.**

Damn right. Aidou loves it anyway. He wants you, 'Name.

**I want someone else more.**

WHO?!

**GUESS!**

Omg, is it... is it _YAGARI TOUGA?!_

**Yes.**

Really?

**_No!_ As if I'd like Yagari-sensei.**

Why not? I think he's really cute... in a one-eyed kinda way...

**Please stop there before you mentally scar me, Ze-kun.**

Kay!

**Now, about this bubble bath... **

Ummm... 'Name before we do any of that we need to get rid of Yuuki. Shes been banging at the door for twenty minutes now.

**Ah, you are right. So she has. Come in, my love. **

_Kanameeeee why are you and Zero hanging out without me? What's this I hear about Yagari Touya?! Ruka-chan!!!! SOMEONES AFTER YAGARIII!_

Chill Yuuki! We were just gonna watch the game and have a few beers...

_That sounds way too weird... Please don't say that again. I'd much prefer you were making passionate love than... than watching 'football'.... *shudders*_

**It could be arranged...**

Eh?

_What?!_

**Nothing, never mind. **

?

_You and Kaname don't 'do' sport, Zero. It just doesn't suit you both. _

You're right... We aren't beer loving sport fans like your average yobs.

**Hmmm.... then what are we?**

I don't know... Maybe we are skaters?

**Definitely not. **

_Chav? I mean, you do like your bling Zero. _

**Yuuki when have you seen me sporting burberry or chains? **

_Uhmmm.... in my mind? _

Cmon guys, think! Maybe metrosexual?

_Ew. I am not carrying the jellybean of a metrosexual man. No thanks. _

**Agreed. Im too old to be into this modern newfangled stuff. **

Dammit, I want someone to friggin' cast me as something!

_Emo...? _

I am _not_ an emo!! *storms off*

...

...

**Definitely emo. **

_Aw, Nii-sama you learnt a new word! Look at you, getting down with the kids. Way to go, old man! _

**Sarcasm is the cheapest form of humour, Yuuki.**

_Psh. You love it Nii-sama. Or should I say GRANDPA? *snigger*_

**True, but...**

_Nii-sama, why is there a hot bath filled with scented roses in here?_

**Ermmm, I was very dirty?**

**...**

**...**

**Very, _very _dirty...**

**-**

**-**

**

* * *

**

A/N: I sometimes think I should be shot for OOCness. It's getting quite horrific now, no? But the problem is, my OOC make me laugh ^_^ Laughter makes the world go round, yknow? I am so psyched its Easter! I have now finished all ten of my creme eggs during the whole day. Ha! Beat that! (You probably could... I'm not very good at competitions) :D

I love you all like a fat kid loves cake. Yay!  
My brother and I convert that sentance into many different languages. Its our little way of saying "I love you" to each other, whilst still making it funny and not gay. Like, German and Chinese. Ich liebe dich weil eine Kinder liebe Kuche. Wo ai ni huan pang hai zi xi huan dan. The last one probably isn't right... but, I only been learning Mandarin a couple of months, so it isn't all that good ^_^

*must stop babbling*

**Random fact of the day:**

_In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere._

Awesome!

-


	19. A Pureblood Lesson

* * *

A/N: Yay, I updated! I was feeling quite bad about not updating in about two weeks, and I have been desperate to do anything to keep my mind off chapter 49! By the time you are reading this, the raws will probably be out, and I will be screaming like a mad fangirl over it. I saw some spoilers, and _man _it sounds good! *sigh* We are still on mobile mode, unfortunately, and yet again my friend did be a good favour. Ich liebe dich!

* * *

Aidou - _Yuuki - _Zero - **Kaname** --- NC Dormitory

-

-

_Aidou-kun please come here!!!_

Yes, Yuuki-sama?

_I need some food T_T _

Food, Yuuki-sama? Are you hungry?

_I want a JBPBB_

A.... JBPBB?

_Juicy Beef, Pork & Bacon Burger!_

You... you want it right now?

_Now? No, in five days. Yes now, you idiot! Go on, or I'll set my __BFFBHAEMATWTG__ on you._

Argh, stop using abbreviations! It confuses everyone! Stupid baka! Besides, it's 3pm! I don't want to go out now.

...

_Did you just question the pureblood princess? Do you even know who my fiance is?_

Kaname...sama?

_Yes, Kaname-sama. Kaname Kuran, original ancestor, ruler and king of all vampires, leader of the underworld and all its creatures and supreme ruler of the UNIVERSEEE!! FUFUFU! Okay, well maybe not the last part, but he's still very, very important._

Umm.... Well... I'll be right back.

_Yay!_

_..._

_..._

_Hello jellybean! How are you today? *pats stomach* I'm getting a yummy burger to you right now. You are so pretty! I hope your cute like your daddy-oniisama. Which sounds odd. Are you going to give mummy a kick? Eh? Yes you are!  
_

Yuuki!

_Yay, my __BFFBHAEMATWTG!!_

Whatcha doing?

_Nothing. Getting some food...._

...

Were you just talking to your own belly?

_Um, no.._

I must be hearing things again. Cool. So how is little sperm cake doing anyway? You're getting HUGE now.

_Uhm thanks Zero. Little Kaname is doing fineee._

Ready to be shot yet?

_You are NOT shooting my child!_

You gonna make me godparent then?

_No!_

Then I shall use my Emo Stare of Hatred to force you to change your mind.

_Your what now?_

Hey, I've made fangirls _cry _just by looking at my moody stare. It's quite sexy, apparently.

_Pfftt... It won't work on me. _

*stares evilly*

...

*stares so evilly that even Yagari just squealed a little*

...

_Nope, nothing. Sorry._

What?!

_Didn't feel a thing. Except hunger for my JBPBB. Which still isn't here._

Well then, I shall use my gun of annihilation! Haha, beat _that_.

_Put the Bloody Rose away now Zero, it isn't funny._

Duuuurrr nun.... Du nun.... 

_Zero, I am not giving in to you...._

Duurrrr nun.... DUNDUNDUN!

_Okay fine!_

_Yay!_

_Fine, you can be a godparent. But you have to promise me that you won't shoot me. Ever._

Sure sure, no problem. The Bloody Rose has been broken for months anyway.

...

_So... this whole time.... you haven't had a working gun?!_

Yeah, that's what I'm telling you. Quite funny isn't it?

_Why, Zero-kun, I'm gonna make sure you never EVER---_

_---_Your JBPBB is here Yuuki-saaaaaamaaa~!!

_Aidou-kun! You got it! _

There you go, enjoy! :D It took me a while to find a place that would serve me one but I got it! Now can I go back to bed?

...

...

Yuuki-sama, why are you looking at me like that?

_There's no onions._

E-eh, w-what?

_There's no onions here Aidou. How could you forget the FREAKING ONIONS?!_

I didn't know you wanted... But....

_I want some onions!_

Yuuki-sama! I'm not driving all that way again just to get some onions! Just eat the damned burger!

...

_What?_

C'mon Yuuki-sama, don't bitch. You must be hungry - try it! The baby has made you fat, so you need to eat.

Oh no he didn't!

_FAT?!_

_..._Not fa--

_--All I w-wanted *sniff* was to enjoy... enjoy my l-little burger b-but now it's all r-ruined!!! *sob* I hate you both!_

Yuuki-sama, please don't cry! Calm down!

_*sobbing* And n-now you both look a-at me like I'm obese or something! DON'T YOU WANT THIS BODY ANYMORE AIDOU?! AM I TOO FAT FOR YOU?!  
_

Haha, you just made her cry. Well done, bloodsucker. Oh, and now she threw the burger at the wall.

I'm sorry Yuuki-sama, I just.... I just...!

**What the hell is going on here? Why is Yuuki crying?**

Brilliant, Kuran's here! Wheres the popcorn? 

_*sniff* It-s all Ai-Aidous fault Nii-sama!_

**It _is, _is it? **

_Yes!_

**Come here, Yuuki, tell me what happened. Ssh, don't cry.**

_I was r-really really h-hungry, Kaname-Nii-sama-Kuran-Sempai, and I j-just asked Aidou for a burger, but he forget my o-nions then he called me FAT and UGLY! *sniff*_

_..._

Hey! it wasn't like that at all! She's lying!

**You called my fiancee _fat _and _ugly?--  
_**

--I did not call Yuuki-sama ugly!

**...**

**Yuuki, come here. You too, Aidou. Now.  
**

Eh? K-Kaname-sama...?

**Aidou, stand there. Yuuki, come stand next to me.**

Be a good boy, Aidou. Do as the nice man tells you.

What is going on, Kaname-sama I ju--

--**Just stand there, like a good noble. Now, Yuuki, I have come to realise I have forgone some vital parts of your pureblood education. **

_Okay...  
_

**To slap someone, in the the pureblood fashion, requires the use of three elements. Firstly, the backhand: You must fully extend your arm so the full force behind the blow can be felt. Secondly, the disdainful glare: This is so the subject of your fractionally aroused wrath can fully comprehend the extent of their crimes.**

** Finally, you may choose to add a withering statement or rhetorical question to express your displeasure and add originality, like _so._  
**

_*CRACK*_

**You thought what? **

...

**You see? The effects upon the noble are immediate; if your strike draws blood the effectiveness of the blow shall be enhanced, but this is not necessary. As it is your first attempt, Aidou shall expose his cheek for an easy target, and-- _Aidou!_ Stop flinching! It is distracting her.**

K... Kana...

_Like this, Kaname-oniisama...?_

**_*CRACK*_**

_Forgot the onions, did you?_

**Impressive first attempt. However more force behind the blow would be largely more effective - as you can see, the subject is still standing upright. After striking the subject should be reduced to writhing on his knees in either agony or remorse. Either is acceptable, but both are preferred.**

_Okay, well... more like this....?_

**_*__CRACK*_**

_*cold stare* __Are you questioning me?_

_...  
_

**Much better. **

_That was FUN! __Again, again, again!_

AH! My cheeks cut! Yuuki-sama... please....

I have to admit, Yuuki, that was pretty kickass. Especially when your preggerz.

_..._

I am going to wash my face... *grumbles*

_But wait! Kaname-sama, Aidou can't leave us yet!_

**Why is that?**

_Well, they say practice makes perfect..._

-

_-_

_-  
_

_

* * *

_A/N: Hweheeeee! The sadistic nature within me rather enjoyed doing that to Aidou. It was fun. I can just totally imagine a pregnant Yuuki bishslapping him. It strikes a marvellous image ^_^ Dedications Zeki4Ever and to Lord Tepes from the VK Forum for the _amazing _bishslapping lesson. He should honestly write crackfic - he is _hilarious!_

Please review my dears~! I am literally not going to be able to concentrate in school today thinking about Chapter 49. I got up at 7am to update this story, lolz.

-

**Random fact of the day:**

_London was the first train underground system in the entire world (subway)  
_

-


	20. Fashion, Incest and Pee

A/N: I'm a very bad person. I should be revising for my exam, and instead I am writing this. Because this is much more fun, and will totally get me a history A Level, right? RIGHT?

I am sorry for the long updates, but with my exams its been kinda crazy. But good news, THE LAPTOP IS BACK!!! I literally died with happiness when I regained access to all my documents, filled with ideas for this series. And I also finally have my notes page for The PBS! So happy!

* * *

-

Aidou - _Random Girl _- **Yori **- _**Ruka **_- Kain --- Cross Academy Grounds

-

Hi gorgeous, do you have any vampire in you?

_No…_

Well, would you like some?

_Uhm..._

**AIDOU!**

What?!

**Stop chatting up the day class girls! This is the LAST STRAW!  
**

Fine, fine. Sorry, Yori-chan. I was only having a giggle. 

**Well I'm not giggling. You are going to be punished for this. In fact I will never_ ever--_**

--In that case, Yori, I LOVE YOU.

**Awwh! Hanabusa! Wait, a minute, stop distracting me!**

Distract you? Why would I do that? Honestly, this is exactly the same as last week when Akatsuki accused me of stealing his pokemon game.

**Why did he do that?**

Because he SUCKS at pokemon, and I totally kick ass, and he can't take it. 

**Pokemon?**

Yeah!

**I'm awesome at pokemon too! Hold, on wait a minute... you're distracting me ag-**

-Yori, I love you so much!

**Aww! You are so cute! I love you too, Hanabusa.**

Well, I love you more than buttercups and rainbows

**I love you more than sugar coated fluffy kittens!**

I love you more than smiles and jelly babies!!!

**I love you more than Orlando Bloom naked on my bed!!!!!!**

Yori!

**What? I love Orlando Bloom **_**a lot.**_

It's okay. I forgive you. You're just too cute.

_***vomits all over the desk***_

Shutup Ruka! You're sitting right next to me. I know you're not being sick.

_**It was metaphorical barf.**_

Metaphorical?

_**Yeah, that's what I said isn't it? Like the metaphoric penis protruding from your head.**_

Hey!

Now Ruka, don't be mean. It's not Aidou's fault he is considerably small; no need to make him feel inferior.

Tsk! Inferior to who, Akatsuki?

I'm guessing everyone, but feel free to prove me wrong.

How would I do that?

Get everyone very drunk?

Ugh, Akatsuki you're so weird!

_**Shutup baka, he's far more normal than you. I'd choose him over the other night class members any day.**_

I'd rather have anyone than him!

**Aidou!**

Yori!

_**Kain!**_

SPONGEBOBBBBB!!!!

_**...**_

_**...**_

**Ooookay. Ruka, maybe you should have him checked out.**

**_Like where?_**

**Uhm... the vet?  
**

-

* * *

Zero - _**Rima **_-- NC Dormitory

-

_** Um Zeeeerrrrooooo?**_

Yeah…?

_**You know how I'm really fashionable and all that?**  
_

Well, I _think _someone mentioned it once. Maybe I'm getting confused.

**_I'm the most sought after female model in Japan!_**

Yeah, and I'm the most sought after male hunter in Japan. Look where that got me.

**_Well I came to offer you some free fashion advice, from a friend._**

Shoot.

**!!!**

What th...? No, not _you_. I meant shoot the question. Jesus.

**_Okay. Zero, have you ever thought about dying your hair?_**

Why would I do that?

**_Well… I love the silver look, I really do, but...._**

But what?

_**When your eyes go red you look like an albino.** _

…

Fuck you.

-

* * *

**Kaname -**_ Yuuki _-- Kuran Bedroom

-

***sigh* I miss talking out loud.**

_Pfttt. That involves effort. Besides, this way no one can eavesdrop on our conversation._

**I suppose.**

_Well, anyway, I'm going out._

**What? Where?**

_I'm going on a sexy date._

…**With whom?**

_Ichijou, actually. _

**What? I'm sorry darling, but I must object. You can't just go around dating other men when you feel like it.**

_Whyyyyyy notttttt?_

**Because your engaged to me. **

_God you're so controlling! Jesus! Zero was right about you. _

_**I'm **_**controlling? **

_Yeah, you act like you're my father or something. Which you're not._

**Well… I'm your brother.**

_Siblings don't count. I could just disown you._

**Fine. I'm your ANCESTOR.**

_Disowned._

**Your father left you in my protection...?**

DISOWNED.

**But I love you!**

_Well sometimes you got to give a girl some space. Throwing the L word about this early into the relationship isn't really a good idea._

**Firstly, we're engaged. Secondly, you're pregnant with my child!**

_Pfft. Maybe I'm just pretending._

**I don't understand women on hormones! You're driving me mad!!**

_Woaha! Take a chill pill, KONKS._

**Of _course _I still love you though... Aren't you going to say it back?**

Nope.

…

…

Want to just have sex instead?

**Uhm….**

_What? You actually HESITATED? What's the matter?_

**Nothing.**

_Something's the matter. Ruka hasn't emasculated you again has she?_

**Of course not. It's just… I don't want to **_**touch it.**_

_Touch what?_

…_**it!**_

_Wha? Oh! You mean the baby?!_

**Yes… I could poke it in the face.**

_Jesus, onii-sama. I mean, you're not __that big._

**Says who? I didn't create all your ancestors with a pencil. I'm not God. It was long, **_**hard **_**work.**

_You are so full of yourself sometimes._

_**You're **_**so full of me.**

_Gross._

…

Let's have some oh-so incesty sexytiimmeeee!

**_..._**

_What? Why are you looking at me like that?  
_

**Yuuki… I don't want to alarm you…**

_What?_

**Either you just peed yourself over incest, or your waters broke.**

_Crap.  
_

**Oh Christ. We need to get to the hospital right now. I'll have Seiren pack your things, whilst I go fetch Ichijou, then-**

_-WAIT A MINUTE!_

…**?**

_We having sex or not?_

_-_

_

* * *

_

A/N: So, the baby is coming! Now, you guys can vote for the sex of the baby! ^_^ Most votes will win (obviously), because I think it will be fun to have it voted for by you guys. You can also submit names if you like, but I am not promising to use them.

This chapter is dedicated entirely to _**Riz-I**_, who is utterly HILARIOUS and to die for. I love her. You must, you must, go and check out her comedy fanfiction, "**_Levitation_**" because it made me laugh for about an hour. We also maybe will co-write some chapters for this!

**Random fact of the day:**

_Coca-Cola originally contained real cocaine._

-

_

* * *

_


	21. Finding Nemo

**Maddy**: Today we bring you an extra long co-written chapter, between Riz-I and myself! If you like it you should go check out her profile! It's been absolutely loads of fun working with her, and she has _**amazing**_ ideas! I've cried myself silly with laughter many times ;;D

**Riz: **A-haaa writing this was great!! Maddy is a genius? Yes? She got me _back _into VK… Which officially makes her aceee in my books. Anyways, enjoy!! ^_^

* * *

Aidou – _**Yori **_ --- DC Dormitory

-

-

Yori-chan, Yori-chan!!!!

_**What is it?!**_

YUUKI-SAMA IS IN LABOUR!!!!

_**Oh my goodness, I'm so excited!**_

ME TOO!

_**BABIESSSSSSSSSSSS!**_

Wow… you kinda sound a bit crazed…

_**Who cares? My cute little darling Yuuki is having her very own baby!**_

Riiight…

_**Stop gawping, and get us both to the vet! I need to see her! **_

…

…

Uhmmm, Yori… The thing with that whole tale is I kinda lied… Vampires don't go to the vet.

_**I see... **_

_**Were you also lying when you said vampire babies 'fed from the raw bloody meat of a freshly killed prey in order to sate the satanic force within them'?**_

._Complete_ and utter bull. 

_**So I just wasted $60 on a huge slab of raw beef fillet**_

Yup.

…

_**You've got thirty seconds vamp-boy… *Yori cracks knuckles* You better **_**run**_**!!**_

How about I just give you $60 and eat it myself?

…_**That also works.**_

_**-**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

**Kaname **– _Yuuki – _Maternity Ward, Private Room.

-

-

_Kaname-sama–Nii-sama–Kuran–Sempai?_

**... Yes?**

_I want some chicken nuggets._

**I don't think that's a good idea. You **_**are **_**in labou-**

_NOOOOOOOW!! CHICKEN NUGGETSSSS!! Because I __love__ a juicy breast._

**What…?**

_Or a juicy thigh. In fact, any bit of a chicken I can get my hands on… _

**Ew. I don't understand your obsession with eating.**

_But chicken nuggets are oh-so-chickeny good!_

**Right…**

_You'd better go Kaname-sama–Nii-sama–Kuran–Sempai or... or I'll give the baby to Michael Jackson. I mean, if you play Thriller backwards you can hear the names of all the boys he touched. That's why its fourteen minutes long. _

**-I'm going.**

**-**

**

* * *

  
**

Zero- **Kain**- Aidou – _**Ruka **_**– NC Dormitory**

**-**

**-  
**

Yori has gone to meet them all! What are we doing?

Watching Finding Nemo.

_**I **_**wanted to watch Spongebob Squarepants but no one listened… **

It has fishies. That just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming~!

**Freak…**

Oi! It's educational.

**Since when do **_**you **_**care about education?**

Not _me _bloodsucker. Educational for _you_.

Zero only watches it because he finds fish a real turn on. Do you know he raped a sea bass once? Then he scaled it. He cooked it. And he _ate _it… stuffing and all.. yeah, bet _that _was his favourite bit. Sick bastard.

**Zero. Put the gun down.**

Noooooo! Why did she dive?!!! HIS VISION RELIES ON MOTION!!!

**They're not dinosaurs, Hanabusa. **

Whatever, Akatsuki! FISH DO RELY ON MOTION!

**To **_**swim. **_**Not to **_**see.**_

Would you guys _shut_ up?! You're missing the best bit!

Just 'cause yo momma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

I _know _you didn't just speak about my momma.

Damn _right _I spoke about your momma. Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

**Stop loading your gun, Zero.**

Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a plaster.

**Zero. I'm warning yo- GET THAT GUN OUT OF MY FACE!**

Yo momma so fat when I said I wanted pigs in a blanket she got back into bed.

**Aidou. I'm not relishing having Zero poke around my nether regions to get the gun I am sitting on back...**

Yo momma so fat she make Yuuki look thin.

My mother is dead.

…

…

…

**Awkwarrdddddd. **

Uhm… Uhmm….

**...You're going to die now Aidou. It was nice knowing you.**

You have just brought the pain that I have been attempting to submerge through years of self harming and emotional torture to the surface. What you gonna do?

Uhmmm… Yo momma's so stupid she forgot to tell you Yuuki's going to hospital. Alone. With Kaname! 

_What_?!

You heard me.

**I have never seen anybody move that fast...**

Haha! My plan worked!

**What plan?**

Distraction. _Duh!_

**Riiight…. **

Hey, Akatsuki? 

**Yes Aidou?**

Want to have sex?

**...**

Is that a no?

**...**

I don't like it when you play games with me. The only game I want to play is SEX! Shiki and Rima taught me _all _about it.

**Err… What exactly did they tell you it was?**

Like a two-player game of Twister.

**Aaaaaand?**

That's it.

**Not quite.**

I WANT TO PLAY!!!!!!

**NO! AIDOU GET OFF ME!!!**

I WANT TO PLAY SEX WITH YOU!!

_**What are you doing?**_

Having sex.

_**Oh. Okay then... **_

**You're not going to… I don't know, kill me slash Aidou slash both of us? **

_**Not unless you want me to. Have you ever considered that your phrasing makes you sound gay?**_

**Have **_**you**_** ever considered that maybe I **_**am**_** gay.**

Hey, hey Akatsuki?

**What?**

Does that mean you loooooove me? 

**No.**

Hey, hey Akatsuki?

**WHAT?**

Are you lying?

**... Maybe.**

**-**

**

* * *

  
**

_Yuuki_, **Kaname**, Zero, Nurse  -- Maternity ward, private room

-

-

I don't understand why you're being so ridiculous about this note thing.

_Shhhh. He'll HEAR you._

Who exactly are you referring to Mrs Kuran?

_What? No. We're not married. Kaname's my brother. _

Oh sorry, I just assumed from the way he was behaving that he was the father.

_Huh? He is..._

Sorry what?

They're all inbred. Don't worry about it.

_I am NOT inbred._

Why else would you be writing _notes _to the nurse while in labour?

_Cos I is cool and dis is how I rolllllll... innit blud?_

Not this again…

Who are you?

Her friend.

Only close family are allowed to see her at the minute.

Oh. So her best _friend _isn't allowed but her _brother/rapist-inbreeder _is?

Is this true, Miss... er... Miss?

_Yes._

*Several minutes later*

**Yuuki... why did I just have to explain to several **_**angry **_**looking police men and a disgusted looking nurse that I didn't rape you?**

_Because I told them you did. _

**You what?**

_In my head. _

**In your head... I rape you?**

_Yes._

**Here're your chicken nuggets. I think I'm going to be sick.**

HAHAH! The inbred twat-ass loses AGAIN!!

**At least 'inbred twat-ass' doesn't need to use 'Just for Men' and hasn't got RED eyes. Damn ferret.**

What did you call me?

_Er, guys?_

**A damn albino, grey-haired, red eyed **_**ferret.**_

_Er... guys?!_

You wanna try saying that to my face?

**I do believe the nurse requested you leave and take your face with you. Unless you'd like me to kick it off. I'd quite gladly do it.**

What? Well, you wanna prove I deserve Yuuki more than you do?

**Just try it.**

Go on then. If you can kick _yourself _in the face, I'll relinquish any claim I have on Yuuki.

**You don't **_**have **_**a claim on Yuuki. She's **_**mine**_**. And anyways, how exactly does kicking myself in the face prove I love her?**

It doesn't. It'd just make me laugh.

*WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!*

*Both men turn to face Yuuki*

_I did try to warn you. The baby's about to come!_

What are _you_ still doing here?! GET OUT!!!

FINE!! But I'm going to kick him in the face before I go.

No. He's better looking than you. Now get out!

Screw you _both_. I'll be outside. Watching Finding Fucking Nemo.

-

* * *

_Yuuki, _**Kaname**- Hospital Ward, Private Room

-

-

_ARGHH IT BURNNNSSSS… STUPID BABY!_

**Yuuki, I know it hurts, but do you **_**have**_** to crush my hand?**

_Yes. _

**What does it feel like…. Giving birth?**

_You really want to know?_

**Yes.**

_Come here then._

**Okay…**

_*Yuuki rams her foot into Kaname's crotch at full speed causing him to double over, screaming in pain*_

**AGHHHHHH! What the **_**hell**_**!**

_That's what it feels like. Only twenty times worse. _

**!!!**

**Stupid… crazed pureblood… don't know what I was thinking… **

_Oh, and Kaname?_

**Hmm…?**

*Yuuki kicks him again, this time digging her toes right in*

_That's for getting me pregnant. _

_**-**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

_**Maddy**: XDXD What did you think? Me and Riz have noticed there is an increasing amount of sexual jokes in this, but they are my favourite! ^_^ Next chapter we meet the baby… most popular vote was for a boy! There is lots of fun to be had with boys. (Ohoho! that was unintentional sex joke. Go me!) Anyway, I think I am going to fail my exams due to Fanfiction. I should be revising, but instead I am writing this. LOLZ. Literally, I have two days to learn an entire syllabus. Rock on!  
_

**Riz:** Maddy is biiiig on the sex jokes ^_* But that is why we love her. ^_^ Okay, now I can't think of anything to write…

**Random question of the day:**

_What's the best thing you've ever read on the back of a toilet door?_

Mine is "Call for casual sex: ***********" The *'s represent the mobile number of the school's geekiest guy.  
He is in fact so much adored he was added to our school's famous alumni on the Wikipedia page as 'Local Bonehead' :')  
Our school's IP Address is now blocked from editing Wikipedia T_T


	22. Baby Blues

A/N: Hello? Anybody here?! So, it's been what... a long, long time. I seem to have completely lost my mojo for all forms of fanfiction, and I have been feeling very disheartened for the last sixth months. But then, I read through my reviews for this story and the pleasure I got from reading them inspired me to write this little chapter.

I hope some of you are still alive, and that a few of you care :)

* * *

_**Cross – **_Yagari –_ Both sitting in a dull lecture about hunting together._

_x_

_x_

_**I'm bored.**_

Sucks to be you.

…

_**I'm reaaaaaaaaaaaaally bored.**_

I don't caaaare.

_**Whyyyyyyyyyyy not?**_

I'm trying to listen.

_**Fine!**_

And stop platting my hair!

_**But it looks pwetty like this! **_

You're so irritating. I bet you saw me when I was a child and thought "Yup, I'm gonna ruin that man's life, just because I can."

_**Actually, I thought: "Ooh, what pretty hair! He'd make a nice plaything." **_

I feel so much better now.

…

*BEEP*

_**OMK! Word on facebook is that Yuuki-chan's having her baby!!!**_

Meh. More swine to kill.

_**Oh… Well, okay then.**_

…

…

_**When's break?**_

If you mean the break in fighting and the global conflict over peace and poverty and abolishing all forms of corruption, then never.

…

_**No, I meant break time. I want my Kit Kat.**_

x

x

x

* * *

_Yuuki – _Zero – **Kaname ** ---- Private room, maternity ward.

x

x

_Aww, my baby is just soooooooooooo cute._

…

Really…?!

_Uh, yeah of course. It totally looks just like Kaname. Can't you tell?_

Kuran is bald, pink and fat? Why did no one tell me?!

**Oh dear Kiryuu, one day I dream of having ferret eyes like you to make up for my baldness.**

_Yay! Fiance!_

**Aww, I missed you. **

*projectile vomits*

_Shut up Zero! And I missed you too, onii-sama!_

**You're so cute.**

_No, you're cuter!_

**You're so pretty I just want to eat you all up.**

_You're so handsome I melt when I see you._

**Oh Yuuki, I love you!**

…

…

**Aren't you going to say it back…?**

_Uhm…Nah._

**Why not?!**

_I'm still kinda mad you got me pregnant. I refuse to use the word 'love'. Soz._

**Darling, just say it.**

_No._

**Please!**

God, Kuran, you're such a child. She doesn't _have _to say it just to make you feel better about yourself.

**Yes, she does. Just say something Yuuki!**

_Okay, I will. Kaname Kuran, I cheese you._

**You… cheese me?**

_Yeah. I cheese you, I cheese Zero, I cheese everyone. _

She cheesed me in bed last night.

**You **_**cheesed**_** my fiancé?**

She went from Cheddar to Brie in twenty minutes. I'm that good.

**Don't even try it. We all know your 'special' milk curdles upon release. **

My milk does not curdle!

"_His special milk brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, am I making you hard? Damn right, I'm now extra large."_

**Yuuki!**

…_KONKS?_

**I really wish you would stop calling me Konks! It's embarrassing!**

Embarrassing? Like the fact your crotch is now moulded to the shape of Yuuki's toes?

**I could kill you, Kiryuu.**

Wah wah _wah_. You've been promising that for three years. Grow up.

**You grow up!**

Blud, do you know who I am?!

**Oh dear, forgotten again have we?**

I'll punch you!

**Okay, but please don't do it on my abs. I'd feel bad when your hand breaks.. **

_Boys, stop fighting. Look at it! It's so cuuuuteeee!_

**Yuuki… I don't think you should call our child 'it'.**

_Thing?_

**No.**

_Mini-Me?_

**No!**

_Stacy?_

**That sounds... _Normal. _Why Stacy?**

_Because I'll be Stacy's mom, and I'll have it going on! _

**Maybe not. **

_Oh My Kaname! Let's name him KONKS!_

**Absolutely not. He would be mercilessly bullied.**

Haha, yeah. By me.

_What?_

Oh come _on. _I'm totally bullying him. Especially if he's called KONKS.

**That's it. I'm going to watch television with the baby. Unless you have thought of a name that's not completely ridiculous…?**

_Count Chocula the Third?_

…

….

I don't think he's coming back.

_Personally, I think he just wanted an excuse to watch the Teletubbies._

Who doesn't love a little tinky winky now and again?

_Ew. I knew you were gay._

I am not gay! Will you stop spreading that rumour around school!

_Make me._

Dear lord. You are going to be the most irresponsible mother in the entire world.

…

…

Oh God, please _don't _cry. I'm sorry!

_You're… j-just so… mean!! I d-don't wanna be a failure… _

Yuuki, look, I lied!

_R-really?_

Yes, I am sorry. I didn't mean it. You are warm, kind and loving. You will make a beautiful mother, and your child will grow up to be just as wonderful as you.

…

_LOL UR SUCH A FAG._

What…?

_I played you, like I always play Konks! OMK! I'm so good at this! _

…

And we always thought _you_ were the Special Ed kid.

x

x

x

* * *

A/N: Randomness and sexual innuendos is becoming my forté, ne? I hope this makes you laugh a little bit. I missed this story _very **very **_badly. It is just SO much fun to write. I sit there giggling to myself like a little child as I type away. I bet you can picture it; me manically typing away at a keyboard sniggering to myself as I make Zero look gay.

I have too much fun in life, seriously. I am just worried that it isn't funny anymore... my confidence in my writings has hit rock bottom. If you read my other story, The PBS, please know I am _trying _so hard. I have an attempt at least every week, and I have about twenty chapters which are about 1/4 done, and about ten pages filled with notes and half started conversations. I took advantage of my bout of food poisoning to write this. I threw up all over my lovely cream carpet – it was most upsetting.

**Maybe this comic relief will help me with my other stories :) I miss you all very much, and hope you are still out there**.

_And extra LOL: thanks to the Ash Cloud I got stuck in Hong Kong for three weeks, and had to go to a school there. So exciting! Plus, England has a Hung Parliament. O NOE, WOT WE GONNA DO?_

Much love,  
VampireMaddy


End file.
